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Another glitter mystery: Who is Aylana?

2020.07.11 14:57 spruisious Another glitter mystery: Who is Aylana?

Spend enough time on the internet, and you'll start to notice patterns. What do these three graphics have in common? All of them show up in the first few rows upon searching Google for "glitter graphics", and it is likely that similar software was used to animate each of them. But you probably wouldn't think to attribute a designer's name to the stock glitter animation. Yet a name can be found: all three images use graphics by an artist named Aylana.
This is a mystery that has been with me, in some shape or form, since 2007. As far as I know it has not been discussed anywhere else on the internet. I still remember exactly where it was that I first discovered Aylana's name, so let's start from there.
In 2007, the virtual pet site Neopets was still at the height of its popularity. At that time there was a thriving community of Neopets fansites, which were mostly developed by teenage girls who had learned HTML and CSS from the tutorials on Neopets. The scope of this community was immense, and most nostalgic recollections, while accurate in describing how it launched the careers of many female web developers today, completely fail to capture its scale. At some point, there were literally hundreds of fansites with names that were various permutations of "Neo" and common words: names like SnowyNeo, FadingNeo and NeoIce.
Most of these websites would offer some pixel art, a couple of Photoshop tutorials and glitter graphics, which were carefully assembled by young teenagers working on their parents' computers after school. This was an era when internet purchases were still viewed with suspicion, and children generally did not have access to means of payment, so the majority of these sites were hosted under free web hosts like Freewebs and GeoCities. Lucky were the ones who had access to a host offering PHP, because they could post updates through a rudimentary CMS called CuteNews instead of editing pages by hand. Luckier still were the ones who owned their own domain!
One fansite was called Darkest Faerie Lair. As an eight-year-old I found this fansite notable for three reasons: first, it did not contain "Neo" in its name; second, it was hosted under the creator's own domain, albeit under a subdirectory; and lastly, it offered coding tutorials. Back then Neopets was owned by the media conglomerate Viacom, and though I am not too clear on the details of this, at some point the owner Jenny was forced to remove all Neopets artwork from the site, apparently due to stringent copyright policies. The result was that the website was stripped of virtually all of its graphics, because Neopets artwork was the lifeblood of these fansites. Eventually Jenny's interest in Neopets faded and she moved her coding tutorials to an independent website by the name of Spider's Web Tutorials.
Spider's Web Tutorials offered design tutorials as well, and in particular there was a series of Sparkle Name tutorials. In the tutorials, there are links to several websites from which you can obtain glitter animations, the first of which is Bring on the Glitter.
The website is charming and innocuous; it harkens back to a time when visiting a website felt more like staying at a guest at somebody's home than viewing a public exhibition. There is a banner reading "designByAylana", but the contents of the site provide no indication as to who Aylana is. Which was all fine, because back then, in the early 2000s, anonymity on the internet was considered to be sacred; it would've been downright impudent for a reader to demand to know the identity of the person behind the site. The website offered dozens of pages of animated glitter graphics, and that was its only purpose. Upon visiting virtually any of the pages, you'll see multiple recolours of that glitter animation with the two, bright eight-pointed stars, the stamp which identifies a graphic as using graphics made by Aylana. I used the animations to create a sparkly name for myself, then for my sister, and then in some Neopets graphics, all while wondering who was behind the website.
One day my curiosity led me to remove the page's name from the end of the URL, and I was led to this page. The link on the page did not immediately lead me to the familiar navigation with glitter links, but to an ominous notice of Aylana's recent hospitalization. This file is not dated; by the time I discovered it, it had already been up for four years, but I was ignorant of the existence of the Wayback Machine. The page seemed to be stuck in time; it could've been up for ten years, five, or only a week. My curiosity grew deeper, leading me to go up another directory, this time by removing everything after "aylana".
Folder permissions did not seem to be common knowledge in the earlier days of the internet. In Edward Snowden's autobiography, he describes how he, as a teenager, stumbled upon some highly classified documents by poking around the file systems of government websites -- baby's first hack. I was able to find a list of personal files that were obviously not meant for me to view. As a child with a fairly developed sense of morality, I didn't click on them, and I recall feeling like I had gravely invaded somebody's privacy. (How things change in a span of thirteen years, now that I am linking to it for all of Reddit to see!) So I closed my browser and tried to forget about what I had seen...
...until a couple of years later, when, in a bout of nostalgia, I decided to revisit that glitter website which had intrigued me so much. But now there was a new message on the hospital page:
In honor of Aylana, wherever she may be, this is her site, welcome one an all. Warm Regards, Bemymind
So Aylana had vanished from the internet shortly after her hospitalization, and nobody knew where she was. In fact, the message strongly implied that there was a possibility of Aylana having passed away. I figured that if she were dead, then I would've been able to locate an obituary, although I only really had two clues: Aylana and WebTV. I will outsource the task of describing WebTV to Wikipedia:
MSN TV (formerly WebTV) was a web access product consisting of a thin client device which used a television for display (instead of using a computer monitor), and the online service that supported it.
Aylana's website was hosted on a service called WTV Zone, which offered web space primarily to users of WebTV. On Bring On The Glitter, she makes several references to the community surrounding WebTV. What I found was something quite unexpected; it was an online book spanning almost two hundred pages, compiled for Aylana by a man in his 80s, who had carried on an internet correspondence with her from the years of 1997 to 2003. Out of respect for the author, I will not provide a direct link to the book, as it was obviously not meant to be read by anybody other than the person whom the man believed Aylana to be. However, it is still available in its entirety on the internet and easily located through a quick Google search.
The book contains dozens of emails sent between Aylana and the elderly man, from which I was able to gather information about the person whom Aylana said she was. Aylana Ciane van der Haagen was born in 1980 as a scion of a prominent Norwegian noble family which owned multiple art galleries across European continent. She was expected by her father to eventually cease her communications with her internet friends and to succeed him as the director of the galleries. Even from the beginning, she made it clear that her activities on the internet were not, and could not, be permanent. At the time her boyfriend was an American, whom I will refer to as "B", who was about a decade older than her, and her parents did not fully approve of the age difference. In her emails, she comes across as willful, determined, with a calm dignity uncommon for somebody so young. At one point she gains a high position in her family's company and she begins to write detailed accounts of her days at work. Later on, after a hospitalization and subsequent recovery, she embarks on a series of international business trips that prevent her from establishing regular contact with her online contacts. By this point, the only updates that they receive on her are from B.
I strongly suspect that B was Aylana all along.
B, unlike Aylana, is definitely real, and he continues to have an active internet presence today. Even around five years ago, when I first discovered it, his Twitter account seemed to be filled with fringe political commentary, and nowadays most of his posts are retweets on the subject of conspiracies surrounding the coronavirus pandemic. I will say nothing more on this subject. I should mention, at this point, that Aylana had a very distinct and consistent writing style, in which she would end many of her sentences with four or five periods. In some of B's emails he exhibits the same habit, yet in other writing samples from the same era he appears to write more conventionally. Furthermore, I can find nothing related to museums or Norwegian nobility when searching any combination of Aylana's names, all of which are rather unique. Most damning is the following post from an ancient Usenet thread (warning: the link contains descriptions that now come across as extremely insensitive):
...one aylana from webtv who posts in katzenjammer has been giving the "flamers" in there fits. She claims to be a 17 year old girl from blue blooded parents who has a boyfriend named justin. Well this is false. Miss Aylana is a crossdressing 28 year old freak who is pretending to be a girl.
There are some other posts about Aylana in this Usenet community which show that she was definitely not held in high regard. Public records for B show that he is currently 50 years old, which means that he would've been 28 in 1998. Moreover, another post in the community shows a description of Aylana by herself:
I am 5'5", 102 lbs. blonde hair cascading down my back.... perfectly proportioned [...] could use a little chest....but that will kick in before long
As somebody who was an 18-year-old girl just a couple of years ago, I can safely say that this description seems far too... fetishistic to be written by a teenage girl in reference to herself. All of this has led me to the conclusion that Aylana was probably not real, and that her persona was created by B. Which leads us to another question: what was the motivation for crafting this character? Although I don't know him personally, B shows no artistic inclinations either from his early 2000s website (a contemporary of Aylana's site), nor from his posts today. Did he design the glitter animations himself, or did he find them from another source? And why did he distribute them under Aylana's name instead of his own?
I have no answers to those questions, but I have a theory as to why Aylana eventually vanished. The old man was in failing health, and by the time of Aylana's disapperance they had been friends for almost six years. I believe that Aylana's hospitalization was an opportunity to kill her off, because B had started to feel a sense of guilt at fooling her friends. Perhaps an outpouring of support prevented him from killing the character, or the fear that they would attempt to unearth an obituary, and he decided that a disappearance, caused by the buildup of responsibilities in the real world, would be a gentler transition.
Whatever B's motives were, here is what happened: the old man continued to write letters to Aylana, months and years after her final message to him, right up to his death, and he passed away in 2005 believing that she was genuine. The WebTV community fell apart as personal computers became more affordable and commonplace. Aylana's sites disappeared from the internet, and now nothing remains of her except for an old digital book which will only stay up for as long as its host does, and, of course, her glitters.
EDIT: A followup; the original glitter graphic was not designed by Aylana.
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2019.12.17 06:50 CatBagels Several weeks ago, I went to log in to my old account -- which is over 10 years old -- and found that the account is deleted/suspended. I emailed [email protected] a month ago, and got no response. I emailed again two weeks ago, and still have not received a damn word from them.

I'm not super active on Neopets, but I have intermittent periods where I'll use it a lot.
I'm not active on the boards or in neomail, so it's not like I could've been banned for any kind of language.
I have never cheated or downloaded any cheating software, sold an account/item/neopoints, or even attempted any kind of scam.
I have given a large chunk of money to Neopets over the years by being a Premium member (no longer active).
I did not receive a single email from Neopets with a warning about my account OR a notice that it had been suspended/terminated.
Pretty fucking nightmarish treatment and service from Neopets.
Is there anything I can do? I have numeric codes from both of the support emails I sent. Is there a place I can see if the requests corresponding to those codes have been reviewed? If it's been a damn month, I can only assume I was fucking ignored. Otherwise, they would have thousands upon thousands of support requests backed up.
And just to be clear, my support emails weren't angry or anything. They were brief and professional. They both included my user, date of birth, and they were from the account-associated email.
Edit: COOL. So according to the info here, it seems my account has been purged -- as when I search for my username, it says "nobody by this name exists in Neopia" or whatever. Again, this doesn't make sense to me, as I know of no reason my account could have been frozen in the first place, nor did I ever receive any notification about it -- AND I was last charged for Premium on June 28 of 2018, meaning it hasn't been 18 months since I was charged.
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2019.02.13 09:27 finyx-rising I never thought I'd live past 17. Im almost 27 and my dreams are coming true. (Warning: super long, hopefully worth it)

Hiya folks, first super personal post here. Pretty long but i keep running into posts (not necessarily here in this sub but all over the place) made by people who dont have a lot of hope or are struggling with mental illness, poverty, debt, abusive relationships, family trauma, suicidal thoughts/ideation, etc. I wanted to share some of my story to perhaps give those who relate a little hope. Im not going to claim that this story will change your life or fix you, but ive found that telling my story has been inspiring to friends and others who were dealt similar hands in life. Its also pretty therapeutic for me to write about it and ive been working on a memoir that will go WAY more into detail...whenever i manage to finish it. I can promise you that it's probably more engaging than this post will seem because if i focus on detail ill just write WAY too much, and this post is going to be longer than i intend, anyway.
I figured this subreddit would be most appropriate because its just a story about myself and im not here to claim that i can cure your depression or offer sound financial advice. Maybe hoping that this story will offer some relief between the things you read of all that's wrong with the world or distract you from what's bothering you in your life at this moment. Whatever it may be, i just hope this makes you feel something positive.
I (F, but i now identify as agendenonbinary) was born in Rochester Hills, MI, to my parents who moved to a tiny rural town called Memphis after my mom became pregnant with my sister 3 years later. While i was in kindergarten, my parents divorced and my mom tried to make it look like my dad beat her (she had my friends mom hit her a few times). I remember standing in the kitchen against the oven during their last argument while married. My mom wouldnt let up on hitting my dad in the face. He didn't reciprocate with violence, he just begged her to stop. Of course, who would listen to a 5 year old who was terrified of her mother? I had no idea what to do.
Shortly after--and i mean, VERY shortly, within weeks--of separating from my father, my mother got with a man who would become my step father and id end up with 2 more brothers within the next 6 or 7 years. Thinking back on it now, it flew by in this whirlwind of rapid change. I had no choice but to focus on school and adjust.
In that time, life began to gradually get worse. I have a lot of nasty stories, but that's what my memoir is for; for now, ill just summarize the best i can: it was uncommon to come home from school and go to my room or try to play video games or go outside or draw without getting screamed at directly by my mother. It would be a relief to come home and hear my mother screaming and crying for hours at my step father instead, just because id be able to go to my room and read or draw or listen to music. God forbid i ask to hang out with a friend, though. I was rarely ever allowed to leave the house.
The downside of that path, though, was that they would fight and fight and yell for hours into the night. I never remember sleeping restfully as a kid. If it was the weekend and they were arguing, i dreaded my step father leaving because my mother would wake us up in the middle of the night, throw us in the van, DRIVE to his shop (he owned a metal fabrication company that made parts for the auto industry or whoever needed them, it was small at the time), and leave us in the car for hours while they fought. Regardless of winter or summer. We were so young--i remember this happening until i was 10 or 11, too young for my mom to feel okay leaving me at home in charge of my siblings, meaning my sister was 7, my brother was 2, and the youngest probably wasnt born yet--so we didnt know what to do other than cry or scream to go home while we waited in the car.
I dont remember my mother holding a job while i lived under her after she divorced my father. She DID bring me to work on that "bring your kid to work day" one year when i was just a tot, but just vaguely. She worked full time as a customer service rep for a big bank at that time. I dont know what happened that ended her employment exactly, but I think she stopped working because she just wanted to be a stay at home mom, especially since she wanted a bunch of kids. I dont judge her for that, especially since my step father could afford it and they had the same dream of wanting a family. (Note: my step father wasnt wealthy, but he made enough to build a family with just his income.)
I dont remember life between the ages of about 7-13 in much detail other than it was extremely and constantly miserable, aside from more disturbing or unsettling stories. One, for instance, is pretty short but repetitive: some nights my mother would take us to a sketch part of some city and leave us in the car for what felt like forever. In one particular instance, it was somewhere in Mt Clemens and when she returned to the car, my sis and i had been crying the entire time. She told us "Come on, its okay. I was just visiting my doctor for some medicine." In the middle of the night. Later on, id find out that she struggled with extreme addiction to crack, heroin, meth, alcohol, prescription drugs...you name it. She did anything and everything she could get her hands on. Except cigarettes, and she told me many times that she would disown me if i ever "picked up smoking like your asshole father." I smoke almost a pack a day, now. Ha.
My mother had a miscarriage before my first brother was born. It was the result of some multiple days-long argument with my step father, and i wouldnt doubt it if it involved substance abuse beforehand, but im not going to accuse that as fact. I remember her saying at some point during that time that she didnt want to give him a child. Sure enough, an ambulance was called when she began to miscarry in the livingroom.
Some weeks, she would disappear. I remember feeling abandoned. She would never call us or tell us where she was going. Nothing. It was impossible for us to even tell when it was going to be one of "those" weeks. I was still within the age range where most of everything is blank, but i remember how it felt. I cried every night until she came back. Her disappearing acts never ceased. It became something we would deal with until we left in the middle of a night much later on.
I do remember the weekends id spend with my father. They were fun, warm, comforting, safe. It was a joint custody situation but i wasnt allowed to see him as often as i used to, after a few years. I would find out later that my mother became unreasonable and manipulated my father into fearing visits and it became such a huge pain to try and see us. It's complicated--his mother and his aunt worked with my father and tried to take my mom to court after noticing how unwilling she became to give us to him for his weekends, and it made things A LOT worse on him later on. I wouldnt see him for years, and was rarely ever allowed to call him. I wasnt given a cell phone until i was...16? And even then, my mother rarely allowed me to carry it. She would only give it to me if i was home alone. Note: the court system we have dealt with regarding my mother has always been adamant about giving her custody. More later on about that.
I start to remember life more vividly around the age of 13. She felt comfortable at this point leaving me at home in charge of my siblings if she had to go grocery shopping or run errands, or go to AA during the short periods of time when she wanted to try and sober up. She was a Christian and used to curse the Catholic church, but was inspired by my step father's side of the family to convert not just herself, but all of us. Of course, we looked like a big ole happy Catholic family on Sundays. A switch would flip when we were home and the chaos would resume.
Small backstory note that i think is relevant: she used to threaten me with harm as a child if i were to ever tell my dad about what went on at home (it doesnt help that she was MUCH stronger than i...she was ripped). She made sure to never give me contact info for my dad as i grew older because i started to resent her and become less intimidated as the years went by; however...during a short conversation with my cousin a long time ago, i asked for my fathers number and made sure to memorize it. I never wrote it down to save nor told anyone i had it. It was my secret. He lived Up North and the area code was so much different from all the numbers i was used to seeing that it was easy enough to recall. I put it away in my emergency brain file and never ever mentioned it to anyone.
Sometime during my early teenage years, she started getting into breeding horses, breeding dogs, fitness, volunteering at the church. She was sober for a very short amount of time, relatively speaking, and life improved. She was still moody and slept all the time but she didnt disappear as often. She was encouraged by my step father to seek mental help and she was diagnosed as bipolar (forgot which type). Later on we would find out that she was actually borderline. And instead of being honest with her doctors, she would use the newly-more-useful internet to research disorders that required benzos and mimic them to receive a false diagnosis annnnnnnnd binge on the pills. Find a new doctor, repeat. One doctor refused to give her benzos and instead gave her lamictal for her moodiness. She became irritated that she didnt feel "as grand" anymore and stopped taking it. As a result, her unpredictable moodiness and mania returned.
She didnt actually have much respect for animals despite her involvement with them: she was angry with a new horse for bucking her off of him WHILE she was DRUNK and punched the poor boy in the face. Thankfully he wasnt seriously injured, probably sore or bruised. Her hand became swollen and blue and unusable for a couple weeks. She did this in front of our neighbors who SWIFTLY raged about it and they refused to associate with her kindly afterward.
[I want to take a moment and say that im not writing this to talk down on people with BPD. This story should hopefully encourage those who may struggle with it (and other mental illness) to seek treatment or therapy whenever possible because the fate of my mothers life is a direct result of denying that she had BPD and refusing treatment for her mental illness, and hers was a pretty severe form of BPD, and it rapidly deteriorated her own and our quality of life. There are many other factors at play here outside of mental illness itself, but untreated severe BPD is a big one. I could get into a huge rant about her poor support system and poor mental health education too, things that were not her fault while growing up, but this is a long story so ill just stop there.]
While growing up into my teenage years, i didnt bother making loads of friends anymore because i didnt want to deal with teenage drama or dating or any of that stuff. Its not like i was allowed to hang out with my few friends often enough anyway, so i didnt see a point. There was the same group of people id sit with at lunch, but most of my time in school was spent reading, doing homework, sketching, writing. After a while i didnt even feel like doing those things, anymore. Eventually id stop talking about things i thought i liked. Whenever there was talk about going to college, or if someone asked what i wanted to go to college for, i didnt know how to answer. Blank. I hadnt considered college after high school because it felt like i wasnt going to make it that far. It's a feeling i still cant explain well, even after years of not experiencing it. My future didnt feel like it existed. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. It didnt feel like adulthood was going to be a thing for me to look forward to. I could never imagine myself driving my own car, i could never imagine myself going out with my own friends or coworkers, i couldnt imagine what I'd do for work. Never felt like id experience romantic love or have sex or kiss anyone or get married. The only thing i looked forward to was maybe getting an extra hour of sleep.
There were a couple of girls who made a valiant effort to stay in my life and theyre both still good friends of mine. Im very thankful for them. They were the ones who would offer to let me vent about my problems and would listen to me if i needed to cry. I only cried once in front of them at school, though. All the negative shit i was going through was usually stuffed away and i never made a big deal out of it.
After one instance of my mother returning after a two week binge, still weirdly out of it, she yelled at me about how much she hated having given birth to me, that i was the reason she had her problems and addictions, that everything would be fine if i didnt exist.
I didnt eat regularly after that. I didnt care much about how i looked or felt or doing anything at all, really. I only did my homework because it was a good distraction. Out of everything else sucking, my grades were usually really good. In my idle time I would sit outside on one of the swings we had near our little pond and just listen to music and try to imagine what it would be like to have peace and friends or someone finding value in me. I became unbearably lonely and sad. Of course, though, my mother never asked me how i was doing anymore and my step father and i didnt get along. He blatantly told me after arguing with my mother once that my sister and i werent technically his kids and he didnt want to be responsible for us.
I became so starved for positive interaction that i would browse around the primitive social media that was available at the time: neopets forums when i was a bit younger (lol), random forums about video games, anime and manga, books. I liked to play some video games but eventually stopped pursuing all of my interests around the same time, as i mentioned within the above paragraphs.
After i dropped everything, just one positive interest remained: music. I couldnt play an instrument (always wanted to, never was given the chance as a kid) and my mom told me i wasnt good at singing, so i just would go about my day, sitting or laying around, with my headphones on. During one of my mothers "good" moods she love bombed me and bought me an ipod for my birthday. I had no money for music so i learned about limewire and bearshare and eventually torrenting.
There is a band ive always really liked, ever since before i was a teen. I cant tell you which band and youll find out why later. Im not even going to tell you which genre. This musician is not famous but recognizable enough within the genre that my story may disrupt further whatever else he's dealing with as a result of events. Sorry. The tea is still a little too hot.
Anyway. When social media like myspace and livejournal picked up, i made accounts that i kept away from my mother. I never liked to use the computer while she was home because she was one of those parents who would stand over your shoulder. Not that i was doing anything weird, but it was unsettling and a total invasion of personal space ON TOP of all the shit she would put us through on a daily basis. I used to be self conscious about my writing because it made me feel vulnerable and, understandably, i wasnt ready to feel vulnerable. Instead, id just lurk around and read the writings of others. I was intrigued to find that my favorite musician kept a livejournal and a myspace and wrote often. I admired his writing and side projects as i stumbled upon them over time, so i would occasionally check up on whatever he was doing throughout the years, even presently.
His music got me through a lot of shit. I stumbled upon it myself, so it didnt have any attachment to a friend who isnt a friend anymore, no attachment to crushes who didnt talk to me, no heartaches or associations with negative events. His music was always a source of comfort or pleasant distraction and it has always stuck with me.
There of course were other artists i really liked whose music took me away from my chaotic reality, but i never grew away from his music like i did from others. In fact, one thing that i held onto to keep me going was the hope that id get to go to one of his shows, one day.
So! That was extremely important background info. Keep it in mind.
Onward. So, within the last couple years of highschool, i grew close with a new girl from a neighboring small town and my mother finally allowed me to hang out with her over the summer sometimes. I discovered that i fantasized about her sexually but denied that i was bisexual for a very long time because my mom expressed on many occasions that gay people are disgusting and i didnt want to add to my misery. This girl had similar problems in her life that i had: severe depression, hardly any will to live, enduring emotional abuse from family, mother is an alcoholic, etc. So to productively distract ourselves from our shitty existence, we popped painkillers and smoked weed and cigarettes and watched Aqua Teen HungerForce for like 4 days straight. We were both obsessed with being thin (she was a very pleasant shape: slim but curvy; i used to be potato-shaped) so we ate nothing the entire time.
I hated being sober afterward and it just so happened to be around the time i had to get all of my wisdom teeth yoinked out of my face. I was only 15 at the time but they were already coming in and caused me a lot of pain. I was given a giant supply of vicodin because the surgery was complicated and i was in pain for a couple weeks afterward. My sister also happened to need some painful dental work and she was given a bottle of straight up codeine syrup, which she never took.
Id spend that summer taking vicodin on bad days. Whenever my mom went to her random AA meetings, id drink some codeine and replace it with water and just pass out.
I dont know what happened, but i woke up one morning knowing that i had to sober up. It felt like something was going to happen so i needed to be alert and prepared. I reluctantly stopped taking the pills and codeine and my mom threw it all out shortly after anyway.
Fast forward to my senior year of highschool, beginning of the second semester. We were evicted from our childhood home while my step father filed for divorce. He found out that my mother was thrown in jail for drunk driving, breaking and entering, and possession and, apparently, if the divorce goes uncontested for about 30 days it makes the divorce much easier on the plaintiff. So, he took the opportunity to file while she was in jail. By some bullshit miracle, the judge was touched by her fake sob story and sentenced her to jailtime on the weekends and random drug testing, and he released her a couple weeks after she was detained. During that time, i ignored her phone calls because i didnt give a shit if she rotted.
When i saw her strut out of the house to greet us as we got off the schoolbus, my heart dropped.
We moved into a weird trailer park in Anchor Bay, about 30-40 mins from my hometown. I did acquire a boyfriend through my pill-popping friend that year after he basically bullied me into dating him. I took advantage of the situation at the sacrifice of my boundaries to befriend his family and tell them about the shit my mom put me through. My boyfriends ways of courting me were very problematic and it wasnt a GREAT relationship, but i was not in danger at that time and he did not treat me badly...surprisingly. Besides, we were young and i had no reference for what a healthy relationship looked like.
During the move, my mother let one of our german shepherds freeze to death. She left her outside in her small kennel without much protection from the cold and snow other than a plastic igloo-shaped dog house with hay in it. I watched in horror as my mother dragged the frozen body to the woods behind our house.
At our trailer, we had no furniture. My mother slept on her own mattress. My brothers slept on an old mattress that was stained and smelled of piss. My sister and i did not have a bed. We slept on the carpet for 5 months.
We dragged ourselves through school somehow until May, about one month before my 18th birthday. I made one friend there whom i only sometimes interact with on facebook these days.
One monday night, i approached my mother's room to ask if i could see my boyfriend that upcoming weekend. The light was on, but she wasn't in there. I realized i hadnt heard from her all day. I checked the driveway and the car was gone.
My siblings and i stayed home from school the next day. I told my step father that mom was gone and he picked up my brothers to watch after them until she returned. No word from her until Wednesday. When she called the landline from a 313 number, i snapped at her and told her to come home or i was going to call the cops. She handed the phone to her DEALER, who "reassured" me that my mother was safely smoking crack in the front yard. I remember being so angry and told her to have my mother home by 2 AM or i was calling the police.
2 AM: no mom.
Shortly after calling the police, i received a call from a new 313 number. It was my mother, who sweetly asked if i called the cops already because she was only a few miles away. I told her to shove her lies up her ass because if she were that close she wouldnt have made the effort to call. Besides, the chance of her calling from a 313 number all the way out near where we lived was extremely unlikely. She swiftly called me every obscenity in the book. I hung up on her.
When the cops arrived, they took me into their car to talk with me. When they searched for one of my mother's multiple married names on their computer, they told me that she has been arrested multiple times for prostitution and possession in the past and asked if i knew about it. I did not.
I wouldnt have had an issue with her working as a prostitute if she was actually bringing home money with which to take care of us. I would learn that she was using the money to fuel her addictions.
When i went back into the house, the landline was ringing. It was the same 313 number and i almost didnt pick up. After a few more seconds of ringing, i answered. This time it was the owner of the cell phone. She asked me who i was and why the woman borrowed her cell phone. After i told the woman who we were, she implored me to get help because my mom was tweaking out and was soaked in her own menstrual blood. I asked her to speak with the police and she agreed.
The police advised that they cant pick up my mother (despite the fact that they were state boys) because she was in an extremely dangerous part of town. I cant recall the cross street, but when the woman said Gratiot...well, let's say i would later understand why the cops couldnt go there at this hour.
Ill shorten the story into a shorter summary at this point. If youre still reading, youre a trooper because i KNOW this is a long one.
That night i got ahold of my boyfriend's father (insomniac) and he sent his wife, daughters, and my boyfriend to pick up my sister and me. He told me to pack everything because we werent ever going back. I woke up my sis and we consolidated all of the things we needed into the kitchen. I had my first arrhythmic episode, which i had mistaken for a panic attack (i would later be diagnosed with AVNRT and received surgery in 2016).
Ill never forget the relief i felt when driving away from that house. I was free. We were free. For the first time in my life, i felt hope.
I recalled my father's phone number and hoped he would answer at 6am. Luckily he was getting ready for work so both he and my step mother were awake. I told him as much as i could and he stayed home from work that day as i talked to CPS and sorted out the situation with school. I had to talk to the social workers and tell them that we weren't returning to school for the rest of the year (thankfully only a month of it remained). Yadda yadda.
CPS implored my father to retreive both my sister and me and prepare to go to court. During that summer, i finally got to know my father. Unfortunately there were some complications winning full custody of my sister from my mother, but it happened. Damn court system.
Cops managed to pick up my mom. They called my father and notified us that she tested positive for Hep C. The rest of us got tested just to be safe. We're fine.
Over the next several years, id go to community college and earn 2 associates degrees in math and pre engineering, break up with my unhealthy first boyfriend, acquire a new bf for 5 years, get a full time job, manage to find SOME stability here and there but it was never for long. We moved around a lot: Ypsilanti, Detroit, Hamtramck, St Clair Shores, Sterling Heights. Id eventually break up with him and move into an apartment in Warren with a friend. I would go on to seek help for my own mental illness when i experienced my first full blown manic episode and was diagnosed with bipolar, type 1. Im still medicated and see a therapist regularly.
After adjusting to treatment, i fell in love with my hobbies and art again. I lost weight and got into damn good shape. Im pretty hot now, i guess. Self esteem keeps improving. Im confident. Usually sober but i still like smoking marijuana here and there. I dislike drinking.
I got sick of living in Michigan and moved to LA at the beginning of 2018. Within the last year: i found a great place to live with a load of cool roomies, my mental health improved dramatically, met an amazing woman who now calls me her partner, and...
...met my favorite musician. I actually met him. Not only that, oh no. He recognized me from the internet. Im guessing when i remade my Facebook profile and added him again, i caught his attention and he followed my stories everytime i posted them. I was kind of shocked to see his name under the "watched" list for those stories and brushed it off as an accident until his name started popping up under each and every one.
He made a great effort to befriend me after we met (it wasnt one-sided, i was more than happy to talk to him) and he would offer to help me with my memoir. We became close friends and i even bought him a birthday gift, which i sent directly to his address that he trusted me enough to give me.
He became my person for 3 months. Understandably, his wife became suspicious and i havent heard much from him since. I had no intention of stealing him away from her, but i guess his intentions differed from mine and he admitted this to me in one of the last messages i received from him. Still dont know how to feel about it. Please dont speculate because i cant go further into detail so youre not getting the entire story. This is the bare bones jist of it.
At the beginning of this year, i scored a much higher paying job and walked out of my old one the day i signed the offer letter. Took a two-week staycation and caught up on sleep.
Oh, and yes: as of the last year, ive managed to get restful sleep. Finally. After years of only 3 hours at a time. I can sleep. Downside: i get night terrors sometimes but not often, thankfully. Ill consider meds if they get worse. For now, its totally manageable. I was diagnosed with PTSD officially about 2 or 3 years ago.
I just celebrated my girlfriend's birthday with her and none of it feels real. But it is. I did it. Im alive and i can feel and i can love and i am loved.
I can sing well, turns out. I love karaoke. Still cant play an instrument, though.
Ten years ago, i thought i would be dead by now. Ten years. Sometimes i wonder if i DID actually die and im just living vicariously through someone else or if this is some kind of ideal afterlife.
...and then id have to get a root canal. Haha! Just got 4 of those nasty procedures done and still more needed. My teeth look nice but lots of complications thanks to weak enamel, malnutrition from when i was dealing with anorexia a long time ago, failing to floss while depressed for years, etc. Im definitely paying for it, now. Anyway!
Thats basically the guts of my story. I hope it was worth your time and that it made you feel something good.
Edit: by the way, this year is the 9th year i havent spoken or seen to my mother. Every year on my birthday since i left she finds my social media and sends a long message about how i should talk to her because she was a great mom and doesnt understand why i left like i did. I never respond and i just block her. Fucks me up for a few days but it has become easier over time. Shes totally detached from reality and i have no idea how shes still surviving.
submitted by finyx-rising to self [link] [comments]


2018.08.12 08:08 koisuru It's been a long, stressful year so far, but I wanted to talk a little about some great indies that have helped get me through it.

Really I just feel like taking a little time to stop and reflect on some uplifting, comforting, positive things that we work toward for better mental and physical wellness, you know? A big part of that for me is indies, and I just kinda want to enthuse with you guys and share ways we use them to improve personal happiness.
My year has been crazy so far (we launched the inaugural season of the Overwatch League, which has been amazing but pure insanity at the same time), and it's become so important for me to take time to do the little things to help relax and feel comfortable in the limited free time I have. I've been into indies for a few years now and they've always been a source of joy and excitement, but I also feel like this year has yielded some of my favorite products to date. Hopefully this helps someone else find something new they love too, and I'd love to hear what kinds of things you guys go to for de-stressing and relaxation! (I'm just talking about non-makeup products here, but if you have certain eyeshadows, lip products, anything like that that makes you feel like you can take on the world, do share!)
De-stress/Relax
Luvmilk: Actually probably my favorite brand I've tried out this year! I never was a big bath-taker, but after seeing some glowing reviews on the sub about their products I gave it a shot. Turns out the milk baths are fantastic, and there's a whole spectrum of delicious gourmand-y scents for me to choose from. My skin has never looked or felt healthier, and on top of that Milky is one of the most wonderful owners I've gotten to interact with. Every product I've tried so far has been worthy of regular adoration, but the milk baths win for standout performance.
Self-Care Rituals
Stratia: Super highly praised around here, and for good reason. I adore skincare routines, not only cause I'm in my thirties now and really finally give a shit about taking care of my skin, but also because the process of it is so soothing and kind of helps defrag my brain. I've got some mainstream products in my skincare rotation, but honestly my favorites are my Stratia things. Especially her cleanser, oh my god, I've tried a million different cleansers and nothing even comes close to the velvet milk. Full face of makeup, full day of working and sweating and being grubby? No problem, lemme just take all that grime straight off and leave your face feeling as new and soft as a baby's butt. Uhg, I love it. I've got very normal skin, but I've gotten my oily bf and my combination coworker to try it as well and they're both super into it.
Arcane Bunny Society: So I'm not super into having to stalk the fb page to catch the restocks, but I can't deny that her products are really fkn good. I get why they sell out so fast, and I guess I have to thank all my neopets restocking over the years for honing my skills at catching things when they first go up. Plus the quality of packaging and branding are really top-notch, cause who can't get behind a bunny illuminati? Out of everything, the body butter is my favorite (actually in my top 3 favorite formulas out of all the indie lotions I've tried, and hoo-boy I've tried a lot), but what really makes everything stand out so much are the scents. Back to Dream Castle haunts my best, cotton-candy flavored dreams, just slather me up with that sweet stuff and call it a day. Like my face, my body-skin is pretty normal and doesn't get exceptionally dry, but even still it feels very hydrating. The consistency isn't exactly 'lotiony' either, not super creamy but more melts into your skin. Kinda reminds me of how coconut oil sinks into skin, if you've ever used that as a moisturizer.
Notoriously Morbid: I've been using their makeup for a long time now and didn't really pay much attention to their other products, but recently tried their Slumber Salve since it came with the lip product subscription they started offering this year. Lemme tell you, this stuff is seriously hydrating. I slather it on my lips right before bed and I think it's made a huge difference in how soft and plump my lips have been lately (also drink your water for better skin/lip health! That also was a big part of it for me, but even so the Salve helps).
Poesie Perfumes: Ahh, Poesie, my true love. I'm going to gush more about how much I love Poesie in a bit when I get to the good smells part of this huge wall of text, but let me drop a quick shoutout to another of my top 3 favorite body lotion formulas. This one is a more traditional lotion, creamy and lightweight, absorbs fast on me and holds on to its fragrance for a good while. I've got body whips in Radiant and Cloud, both are wonderful for any time of day.
Smelling Good for Fun and (Emotional) Profit
I've never looked much into actual aromatherapy or anything like that, but I do firmly believe that scents can really impact your mood, or boost certain emotions/feelings/memories. They help me feel fun and happy, comfort me when I'm down, encourage confidence, make me feel downright sexy af, or help me trip down a nostalgic memory. Out of all the types of indies out there, I've probably spent the most time (and money) exploring perfumes. For the longest time I never wore any kind of fragrances, the mainstream alcohol-based offerings never appealed to me (and more regularly would just straight give me a headache), but discovering indie perfume oils was a revelation. Finally, a whole community of perfume makers who enabled me to smell like all the delicious food I could possibly dream of. =D My usual stops for scents that work on me are Arcana, NAVA, Poesie, Sixteen92, and Blooddrop, but I do want to specifically call out some of the really fantastic scents I've come across recently. Not sure what happened, but I've got nothing but praise for this, the Year of Holy Grail Scents.
NAVA Summer 2018 Collection: Going to start here since I literally smiled and laughed out loud when I opened my newest NAVA package today and started going through the scents. NAVA has always had a special place in my heart for their amazing vanillas (and if it hasn't been established already, I'm a bit of a vanilla/gourmand fanatic), but they really outdid themselves with the Summer Collection. Pretty much everything I've gotten from this set has been ridiculously, fabulously, hopelessly good. Tea & Tea Service, Pastel Pops, and Bastet's Ice Cream were where I spent my money, and none of it was wasted. Every time I've worn one of these, people around me have commented on it. My coworker's fiance comments on how I always smell like some kind of dessert you'd want to eat, they seem to be a hit with pretty much everyone. I know they're a little more on the spendy side, but you really get what you pay for in terms of scent and oil quality. They're consistently some of my longest-lasting fragrances.
Poesie Perfumes: Okay back to Poesie time. This was one of those companies I just kind of glossed over for the longest time, and I'm not really sure why. Turns out I was missing out on one damn fine perfume maker. I'm still working through a bunch of the samples I've ordered, but this is the one house that somehow makes my death notes actually work on me (leather, smoke, most white florals/jasmine). It's been so much fun to finally enjoy some of the things I'd completely given up on. Not only does Joelle seem like a lovely person in general, but all of Poesie's scents feel very thoughtful, like each note was given specific care and consideration to best evoke the inspiration for the overall perfume. Highly recommended!
*Favorite scents:
Blooddrop: So there's really only one I want to point out here, because it's just honestly one of my favorite scents of all time - Lemon Carousel. Lemon and cotton candy, just the most gorgeous combination ever, as it turns out. This one just straight up makes me happy, lifts my mood, makes me feel a little younger. It's bright and fresh, sweet, lasts all day. I wish I could get more products in this scent, and I'm going to be really, truly sad when it runs out someday.
Hey, thanks for reading through all this. I'm going to wrap it up here, since I've covered the specific things that I've really leaned on this year to help trade in stressful days for a little comfort and happiness. I hope there were parts in here that encourage you to go out and try some new things for your own personal wellness, and I'd really love to hear what rituals and routines you guys turn to as well!
submitted by koisuru to Indiemakeupandmore [link] [comments]


2018.08.07 04:17 Sometimescanbefunny Want to demote me and appeal to my sense of ethics? Sure, I'll be entirely ethical in my new contract!

For those who want an INCREDIBLY lengthy story, grab some snacks, put on some soft music, and enjoy. For those in a rush, dislike reading, or who hate happiness, please consult the TL;DR section directly below this paragraph (apologies in advance for the amount of scrolling to all, but I believe it’s a worthy read). Names have been obfuscated, so as to help keep this as unidentifiable as possible. If this breaks any rules, let me know and I will remove it. First post, so please go easy on me for formatting and such (or don’t, I know how the Internet works). This story happened a couple of years ago; but first, I should give some information about myself to help set the stage.
TL;DR: I work hard at a position that is known to be crushing. I get accepted into an MBA program and my Supervisor tries to screw me over with an effective demotion; I use this change in title and follow my contract to the letter to improve my work-life balance while making her and the office leadership’s lives miserable.
Backstory About Me: I was raised in a rather poor household in the US South (free lunches, backpack food program, that sort of thing), but I quickly discovered that I excelled in school, so much so that I eventually received a full ride to one of the best universities in the nation (and, arguably, the world). Before you peg me with humblebragging or post this to /Iamverysmart, I will make this section brief and attempt to jump to the story. Suffice it to say that I quickly learned that I absorb information like a sponge and, due to that, I can work very efficiently. I also have grit and determination from my days picking up cans for extra money and working outside all day with my dad. Thanks to growing up poor and being the eldest of (now) six children, I learned how to figure out what people’s intentions were and how to “read between the lines.” Needless to say, my determination, intelligence, and ability to analyze a situation unify in me to form an unholy trinity, a trifecta of terrible that hasn’t been seen since 2000’s Charlie’s Angels. I was born for Malicious Compliance. Now, on to the story!
Background for the MC: Upon graduating from Really Good School, I came back to my local town to be with my family and start a fledgling career (because I disliked the US Northeast, where the School is; it all seemed very “gray” to me). I got a Crap Job just to get some cash rolling in, after which I worked for a bit at a startup. I eventually got a job in a Government Agency in my area, making about double what I was at Crap Job. Government Agency is where this MC takes place. Now, this Agency—specifically, this county’s office of the Agency—is known for having awful turnover, slimy employees, and just generally being a stressful and unwelcoming place to work. In addition to the awful culture, the “clients” (being very euphemistic here) are generally the worst that society has to offer. Thus, this job is an all-out drain on just about every conceivable metric or dimension. That being said, it was a significant amount of money for my relatively young self.
When I was offered a position, I took it with about as much happiness as one can muster knowing they’re walking into hell itself. Note that I started in May. I worked hard to deliver the best performance I could; I read the 350-page plus manual (on my own time, even!), I would work here and there off the clock, I would help out my coworkers even if it meant I would be working more hours in a week than I wanted to (you know, reciprocity and all that jazz). I would sometimes go into the office at 8am and not get home until 2 or 3am the following morning; I had to skip out on dates with my then fairly serious girlfriend that I had scheduled months in advance due to being called in to work (and would end up working until the wee hours of the morning). Suffice it to say that I was consistently working much more than I wanted and I was only being asked to take on more responsibility as I continued to show competence. I met with my Supervisor, who would usually offer platitudes and state things like “that’s the way things are here,” “it’s for the good of the Agency,” or “the best employees are those that sacrifice and work hard for all of us.” While she seemed like a nice woman outside of work, a small but growing piece of me began to despise these “meetings” and everything that was discussed in them.
Now, again, I started this job in May. By July, I was looking at various exit plans, should I decide to jump ship like so many of my most-qualified colleagues. I contacted an MBA program I was interested in, and was told I should apply. Within a couple of days, the Director himself was contacting me, asking me for a personal interview; this interview lasted all of 15 minutes before he thanked me for my time and ended the Skype call. Before the week was over, I was told via the Director’s email that I would be given a scholarship that covered all my tuition and supplied me with a (small, yet very useful) stipend, so long as I agreed to work as a graduate assistant for 20 hours per week while school was in session. I was ecstatic; I couldn’t respond to the Director with my signed acceptance fast enough. Within a week, I went from wilting under the oppression of escalation of responsibilities to being enrolled in an advanced degree beginning in January of the following year. This left me with around five months to kill, so I figured I would probably just tough it out at the Agency and save up some cash for my return to school.
Because I’m an honest person, I spoke with my Supervisor about my situation, explaining that I would be leaving at the end of December as I had been given a very lucrative package for an MBA program. She stated that she was thankful for my work thus far and happy for my success, would think about our options moving forward, and would get back with me soon. A couple of weeks roll by, each hour siphoning part of my soul like a river carrying sediment from its banks. Finally, I am called into a meeting with Supervisor. She informs me that I can stay on as an employee, but the Agency (and herself) would really like me to transition to what I’ll call a “contract position.” She says that they need me to move out of my position so they can create a job posting and prepare it for a new hire. She states that it is for the “good of the Agency” and “something an upstanding, hard-working, ethical employee like myself” would and should do. Remember these words, they’ll come up again later. I asked what types of changes this would bring, and she summarized them. Not being content to take her words at face value (she was a good supervisor, but I’ve learned in life to never sign or do anything without reading it yourself), I asked for up to a week to make my decision and the paperwork detailing all the changes in benefits, work responsibilities, etc. She told me she would get that to me the following day.
The Compliance Begins: The next afternoon, she handed me 12 double-sided pages detailing the relevant information I had asked for; each page filled with size 10 Times New Roman font that caused word to blend into word, sentence into sentence, becoming so difficult to read that even the most diligent of readers would find themselves slipping into unconsciousness. I read over this paperwork the following evening, with my mood slowly becoming more and more sour as I read each sheet. I noted that I would lose all of my benefits (except my banked overtime hours), would be moving down a rung in terms of what I was qualified to do, and would lose many other “perks” of the job. However, about halfway through my 12 Labors, I perked up instantly. Hidden within the depths of the bowels, I discovered that I was mandated to work a maximum of 40 hours, and I was strictly prohibited from performing many duties that I hated doing anyways. Further, I was to do only what this guide outlines—in other words, once I finished what I had to do, I was done. As I read over this finest of fine print hiding in the amalgam of legalese, a grin began to form. First small, like the smirk of a bored-yet-polite date; then bigger, bigger became the smile as I formulated a plan in my head. Plastered on my face was an ear-to-ear grin beaten only by the Grinch. I knew what I was going to do; I was almost too giddy to sleep.
The first thing I did in the office the following morning was pop into my office and begin to prep myself for my meeting with Supervisor. She was happy to hear that I would be accepting the new position, though, truth be told, I was far more happy than she could ever imagine. After handing over all the signed paperwork, she began to instruct me as to what I would be doing the following two weeks. I quickly, yet calmly, informed her that I was unable to comply with her request, as I considered myself to be an honest, upstanding, and ethical employee and I wished to maintain compliance with all policies and laws at all times. She looked at me, the confusion in her face nearly but not quite masking the anger boiling below at my seemingly callous rejection of her instruction. I informed her that under the employment policy I was currently contracted under, I was unable to do several tasks that I routinely completed prior. I also informed her that I was unable to work any overtime; I was to immediately stop and return home once I hit 40 hours. Further, I would no longer be working, in any capacity, off the clock, unless I was logging the time, because that would be a breach of my contract—again, I am honest and ethical and cannot fathom breaching said contract. I informed her that upon hitting 40 hours, I would be unable to answer work-related texts, calls, emails, or other communications until the following Monday morning at 8am; any priority correspondence would need to be escalated to my colleagues or the on-call staff. In addition, due to my new contract, I would no longer be able to be a part of the on-call rotation; she would need to find a replacement for me on the on-call schedule immediately (which is no small feat). I explained that I would no longer be able to help my coworkers in many of the ways I had done previously, as I was no longer able to sign paperwork or, generally, no longer had the credentials (or time!) necessary to complete the work. I could practically feel the daggers shooting at me from her, the intensity increasing to a full-scale barrage as I detailed that which I could not do.
Compliance for You, Compliance for You; Everyone Gets Some Compliance! Unfortunately, this was not enough Compliance for this straightest of arrows. After all, I AM an ethical, honest, hard-working employee, and I wanted to make sure that my steadfast dedication to being proper was known. Upon leaving Supervisor’s office, which unbeknownst to Supervisor was invariably going to become Ground Zero in a matter of minutes, I returned to my desk and began drafting an email. You see, in my (now former) position, you are required to undergo a significant amount of training before you are “qualified” to sign off on all contacts you do and all paperwork you file. If you don’t have this training and the “clients” find out, their lawyers can have the judge ream you (and the Agency) hot and heavy in court. Because of the county’s ineptitude, I never received this training and was expected to perform from Day 1. All my previous requests were pushed into a “this will come later” category and forgotten in a dusty corner like so many NeoPets of the early 2000s. Thus, I began writing. I directed my email to my previous Supervisor, the Office Manager, and the Area Director, as all of the sad, neglected emails before. However, for good measure, I BCC’d the Big Boss Lady who was my contact in the Central Office and her Bigger Boss Man—side note, networking and being a generally friendly and pleasant person is something I do as much as possible, it really pays off when you need it. I informed all parties that I was curious when I was going to receive the training I had been promised several months prior, as I had been working on cases without technically being qualified and would continue to work on them until the transfer to other workers was complete. Within a few minutes, my email dinged with a response to all from BIGGEST BOSS LADY, the highest office in the Agency (at least at the State level). She related that she was saddened and disturbed to hear about my situation (she stated that she heard it through the grapevine, so as to keep my name clear and free from retaliation) and informed me that she would personally ensure I obtained the required training. She was also aghast that I was essentially forced to take a demotion in order to maintain employment, so she ordered my supervisor that my salary was not, in any circumstance, to be lowered (after all, a young person like me needs to save for college, right?).
Now the critical thing here is that I was being trained for a position I no longer held, so it was already a bit of a silly thing to be doing. Further, I knew that the typical training school wasn’t in session, so I would have to be put up in the state capitol for an “emergency” session—read: only myself and a few others across the state in similar situations attended this training. Because the capitol was a significant distance from my home, I was required by the almighty Policy to be given a hotel room and receive a significant stipend for my meals. However, thanks to my sleuthing the night before, I discovered that there were some major events in the area. Because of these events, I informed the Big Boss Lady at central office that I wasn’t able to secure a fairly priced hotel room within a reasonable distance from the training location. This would be a breach of their side of the contract, and it would be their burden to find me a room. Thus, Big Boss Lady used her credentials (and BIGGEST Boss Lady’s name) to secure a suite at a lovely hotel that was nothing short of the pinnacle of cosmopolitan glamour (at least for this region of the country).
The following week comes and I begin my drive for a week of training, singing with glee as I’m moving closer to my destination. Remember, this training is for a position I no longer occupy and have no intentions of ever occupying again—I wasn’t entirely focused, to say the least. I spent the week doing nothing except enjoying a very luxurious suite and relatively expensive food (and some cool events in the capital). In effect, I got a paid week’s vacation even though I technically no longer had benefits. Upon returning to my home office, I noticed that two workers in my unit had quit (and more in the office at large) and things were bordering on insanity due to the news that broke to BIGGEST Boss Lady two weeks prior. After my email, she did some digging and saw the travesty that was our office. She acted swiftly and without prejudice; she swung down the Mighty Hammer of Bureaucracy with all the strength of a Greek god, and the office was feeling it. However, because of my new status, I simply had to do what was specified in my employment contract; due to said office’s ineptitude, I was able to finish in about 20 hours or so each week. In addition, due to the chaos that the office was feeling with everyone catching up on training, I was asked to do things that were as simple as driving things from one location to another, sometimes across the state. I “lamented” that this would take from my standard tasks, but I was willing to do it for the Agency. This allowed me to log hours that were both relaxing and simple (and occasionally allowing me to hit 16 hours in a day while doing nearly nothing and claiming mileage). In short, I was able to sit there and watch the world burn from the serenity of my desk, headphones in and music playing.
The Beautiful Resolution: The remainder of my time in the office was spent like this: I would do simple tasks; when finished, I would sit at my desk doing absolutely nothing (read: dinking around on the Internet, watching YouTube, and so on) until I hit 40 hours for my week. I would often be able to go home for the “weekend” on Wednesday afternoon or Thursday morning. My life went from a living hell to a rather balanced experience; one in which I was able to love life again, spend time with my girlfriend, and (shocker!) enjoy some video gaming and other hobbies of mine. I was able to use my significant overtime bank to fund a cruise to the Caribbean that November. I was trilled to be able to go on this trip, as a large number of my life-long friends were going. The once powerful but now (relatively) humble Supervisor meekly wished me a good vacation and expressed hope that I didn’t return and quit. I joked with her, chuckling that I couldn’t promise anything. I enjoyed my week in the warm waters and islands (I’ve been on several cruises, so I know how to enjoy them) and I thought about what I wanted from my life, my job, myself. I returned the following Monday and waited for Supervisor to come in. As she walked in, she knew what I was going to say. I watched the happiness from strolling into the office at a leisurely 9:15am drip off of her, leaving in its place a desiccated husk of a woman. I informed her that I was unfortunately unable to make it to the end of December; I would need to be leaving two weeks earlier than anticipated, due to “unforeseen challenges” with my coming transition to the MBA program. She had the grace of a beleaguered manatee as she said “I understand; thank you for your service to the Agency for these 6 months and I will be sad to see you leave.”
That, dear reader, is the story of how I was able to turn my “demotion” into a free week’s paid vacation and nearly four full months of easy work. Further, I was able to turn my Supervisor’s words against her, as I began to be the model ethical employee who did everything strictly by the letter of the Policy, causing chaos for the office for the coming months as they scrambled to deal with increased scrutiny from the central office. A treat for those who made it to the end: I spoke recently about the situation with my current girlfriend (met her at this Agency, she’s absolutely wonderful and makes me happier than I have ever been—I think I’ll end up proposing and marrying her). She informed me that both of my “supervisors” as well as the Office Manager and Area Director had been forcibly removed one by one after I left by the BIGGEST Boss Lady.
Thanks & Final Remarks: Thanks to all for reading this! I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it and reminiscing! For those who may be curious, I finished my MBA program without a hitch, hitting a 4.0 as I walked the stage. I’m interviewing for some jobs this coming week (had a bit of a fallout with a job I expected to come but has ended up taking too long to form); I should be nearly doubling my income again! I’ll try to be active in the comments, but I am pretty busy, so please don’t mob me unnecessarily. Like I said at the beginning, I was basically born for MC, so I have other stories—I’ll try to share these from time to time. If I should post this elsewhere, do let me know! I’d like to let as many people revel in this juicy story as possible. Thanks again, and I wish great things for all of you fellow Compliers or Compliance Enthusiasts (read: lurkers).
submitted by Sometimescanbefunny to MaliciousCompliance [link] [comments]


2018.05.02 21:48 emailioaddresstavez I ran a background check on JJD. Here's what I found:

Update:
So, it's been about 24 hours since I posted this, and it caused a major shit storm. I'm honestly really surprised, because it's not my intention to stir the pot or cause major problems. I mean, take a look at my comment and post history... short of the occasional "earlawn" or "earoast" joke, I'm not causing trouble or going around fighting with people or on some brute squad with pitchforks posting his address, photo of his house, etc.
I ran this check to try to fill in some blanks on his employment history/location/and to figure out if he had emails perhaps attached to forums. That's it.
The check yielded a lot of seriously personal information, which I
A) Did not post B) Did not report to journalists/media outlets
I think the lines are really blurred here about what is ok and what is not. Honestly, most of what I posted is googleable, so I really don't agree this is a breach of privacy. A misuse of resources? Yeah, I agree, but I really have trouble sticking to a strict adherence to morals when it's JJD. He is a 100 percent DNA match. We know it's him, conviction or not. This is hardly a witch hunt.
The post was removed and then reinstated, so it seems that this follow sub rules, no matter how controversial.
Anyway, I apologize to anyone about the drama this caused, but even if the way I got the information isn't by the book, I think the information is still valuable.

Happy reading.

My dad is an attorney and has a paid membership to a pretty advanced background check service. I asked him if I could use it to run one on JJD, and he begrudgingly agreed (might have something to do with his own Navy background and having just come in from mowing the lawn?)
He also ran one on Sharon and by extension his daughters for me, which I will not post except to answer any questions about locations. It did reveal she has a Twitter and six emails (throughout time-- not all active) though, which leads me to believe it's possible JJD is as computer savvy. Her emails are registered on AOL, Yahoo, and MSN.
One thing to note--- my dad said the background check is considered "contaminated" because there's another man of the same namein the area. So, with some info, it'll have to be taken with a grain of salt.
UPDATE: JJD has twelve known aliases. He is known to have also spelled his name as De Angelo on official documents, which would in some cases eliminate results in a search. This might explain missing work history as being under a different name.
He has a heavily linked associate named Patricia, age 63. It's possible this was a girlfriend, since her name doesn't match any other known associates. This person is not linked to Sharon or his daughters.
The work history didn't yield anything new, and was the "contaminated" portion, containing background as a software engineer. This is the wrong JJD. So, the blanks cannot be filled in during the missing period of work history.
(UPDATE: This is the wrong JJD.) However, it indicates at some point he got a Master Brewer Certificate from UC Davis. The date is unavailable.
JJD has no known social media or emails. Now, emails come up somehow even if you don't register them under your real name. I know this because my dad has run one on me before (for kicks, mostly) and emails I made for neopets accounts in 2004 came up, even though I didn't use my legal name. So, it's safe to assume JJD wasn't an active internet user, or it somehow didn't get accounted for due to use on a library computer.
JJD has NO recorded criminal record prior to now. Although he was arrested for shoplifting way back when, it no longer appears on background checks. He also has no confirmed/known traffic violations, bankruptcies, or liens.
Address history is as follows. Dates applied where available, but they are in order from most to least recent. They are all in CA.
Canyon Oak Dr, Citrus Heights --- Last seen, 2012
Somerset Ct Roseville--- Last seen 12/1993
Teak Ct Roseville--- Last seen 10/92
Auburn --- 1980 (gathered from Sharon's report)
Van Ness Dr Roseville
Granite Bay
Rosevile--- Probably 1978, based on a cross reference w/ Sharon
Petaluma
Sacramenta
Santa Clara
Sharon's profile also yielded a history including Long Beach, Sacramento, and Fair Oaks all prior to 1980.
As for Sharon, there's nothing new I feel comfortable revealing, but she also has no criminal/traffic records, bankruptcies, or liens.
She is known to have attended McGeorge SOL University of the Pacific and California State University (Fresno) during unknown dates.
I hope some of this information helps! I can provide pictures later once I redact and scan the pages. (My dad is old, he printed them).
submitted by emailioaddresstavez to EARONS [link] [comments]


2017.12.22 14:00 iWaunted Premium Problems

So I quit Neopets when the site transitioned to JumpStart because everything was broken and there was zero communication with the players. It was just a mess. I returned last month and resubscribed to Premium on November 18.
December 18 comes around, which was listed as my next billing date for the service, and I am not charged again. I figured I’d give it a couple days because it’s the holidays and maybe processing payments is slower.
Then I wake up today and my Premium is gone. No notice. No email. Not even an attempt to charge me for the service because I have the money in my account.
So my question for you all is... is this common with Premium? I’m so frustrated that it makes me want to quit all over again.
submitted by iWaunted to neopets [link] [comments]


2017.12.22 10:07 ninjyte Life is Strange: Before the Storm Ep. 3 "Hell is Empty" / Complete Season - Review Thread

Game Information

Game Title: Life is Strange: Before the Storm (Episode 3 "Hell is Empty")
Genre: Interactive story, graphic adventure, episodic
Platform: Playstation 4, Xbox One, PC
Media: 'Return to Arcadia Bay' E3 2017 Announcement Trailer E3 2017 Q&A Stream
First Gameplay Chloe & David Gameplay
'Chloe and Rachel'
Score Reveal Daughter x Life is Strange
Deluxe Edition Trailer
Gamescom Launch Trailer
Episode 2 Trailer
Complete Season / Episode 3 Trailer
Developer: Deck Nine Info
Publisher: Square Enix
Price:
Standard Edition - $16.99 (3 Episodes)
Deluxe Edition - $24.99 (3 + 1 Bonus Episode, 'Mixtape Mode', Outfit Pack)
Release Date: December 20, 2017
More Info: /lifeisstrange Wikipedia Page
Review Aggregator:
Episode 3
OpenCritic - 78 [Cross-Platform]
MetaCritic - 79 [PS4]
MetaCritic - 81 [XB1]
MetaCritic - 76 [PC]
Complete Season
OpenCritic - 79 [Cross-Platform]
MetaCritic - 70 [PS4]
MetaCritic - [XB1]
MetaCritic - 78 [PC]
Strangely arbitrary list of each episode of the original game -
Entry Score (Platform, Year, # of Critics)
Life is Strange: Episode 1 - Chrysalis 75 (PS4, 2015, 43 critics)
Life is Strange: Episode 2 - Out of Time 78 (PS4, 2015, 34 critics)
Life is Strange: Episode 3 - Chaos Theory 81 (PS4, 2015, 33 critics)
Life is Strange: Episode 4 - Dark Room 81 (PS4, 2015, 33 critics)
Life is Strange: Episode 5 - Polarized 81 (PS4, 2015, 30 critics)
Life is Strange - Season One 85 (PS4, 2015, 23 critics)
Decked out compilation of Deck Nine games (studio previously under the name Idol Minds)
Entry Score (Platform, Year, # of Critics)
Cool Boarders 2001 78 (PS2, 2001, 16 critics)
Neopets: The Darkest Faerie 61 (PS2, 2005, 18 critics)
Ratchet & Clank Collection 83 (PS3, 2012, 40 critics)
The last episodes' reception -
Entry Score (Platform, Year, # of Critics)
Life is Strange: Before the Storm - Episode 1: Awake 78 (PS4, 2017, 52 critics)
Life is Strange: Before the Storm - Episode 2: Brave New World 79 (PS4, 2017, 32 critics)
Episode 3

Reviews

Website/Author Aggregates' & Critic's Score Quote Platform
Windows Central - Brendan Lowry 100 ~ 5 / 5 stars By improving upon the issues of the last two episodes while continuing their successes, the conclusive episode to Life is Strange: Before the Storm is a near-flawless end to the impactful, heartfelt prequel. XB1
Attack of the Fanboy - Dylan Siegler 90 ~ 4.5 / 5 stars The overall story stayed interesting throughout, the characters were complex, the bigger themes were brilliant and it was a generally emotional and expertly executed second trip to Arcadia Bay. PS4
Hardcore Gamer - Jeremy Peeples 90 ~ 4.5 / 5 Hell is Empty perfectly pays off what was built up in the first two episodes while also providing a bridge to the original series. Acting as a prequel series put Before the Storm in a tough spot, but the third episode shows that you can pull of a lofty goal like that near-perfectly. It’s a fantastic conclusion to the prequel series and a must-play for anyone who enjoyed the first two episodes. You’ll see proper payoffs to many things here, while the main game serves as a payoff for other storylines and characters introduced in this series — allowing this self-contained part of the tale to do its own thing without having to wrap up every part of the narrative. PS4
PlayStation LifeStyle - Tyler Treese 85 ~ 8.5 / 10 While I'm not sure if Before the Storm will hold the same place in my heart as the original, I'm certainly glad that Deck Nine Games got to tell their own story in Arcadia Bay. It's a very different tale, one on a completely smaller scale both in terms of narrative and length, but one that still manages to make an impact. It's a more personal story, and it wound up being quite bittersweet having to say goodbye to the duo of Chloe and Rachel. PS4
Game Informer - Kimberley Wallace 85 ~ 8.5 / 10 Chloe and Rachel's complicated friendship shines in this finale, making you care about each character and the bond they share in a way you couldn't fully grasp in the original series PS4
Metro GameCentral - GameCentral 80 ~ 8 / 10 The episode itself has its weak points, but it's still a successfully heart-rending finale to one of the great storytelling achievements in gaming. PS4
Spaziogames - Valentino Cinefra - Italian 80 ~ 8 / 10 The last episode of Life is Strange: Before the Storm is awesome. It resonates in the characters of Chloe and Rachel, building a story on few very strong topics. PS4
Twinfinite - Chris Jecks 80 ~ 4 / 5 Deck Nine had a pretty tall task when it came to Life Is Strange: Before the Storm. Creating a prequel that would satiate the series' fans is tough enough, and they've passed with flying colors in that regard. However, it's the way in which Deck Nine has really honed in on the identity of the original series that makes it so special. PS4
Gamerheadquarters - Jason Stettner 74 ~ 7.4 / 10 Hell is Empty was somewhat empty in terms of dropping certain points though it still concludes in a satisfying way. XB1
Push Square - Sammy Barker 70 ~ 7 / 10 Life Is Strange: Before the Storm is more down to Earth than the main campaign, and it's actually better for it. Deck Nine's done an incredible job of working within the boundaries that DONTNOD's story set, and its biggest achievement is characterising the enigmatic Rachel Amber, who's both intoxicating and fragile all at the same time. Episode 3: Hell Is Empty feels like it could use a little more breathing room, but it crescendos with a gorgeous conclusion that's as heart-warming as it is heart-breaking. After all, we already know where this story ends. PS4
Gameblog - Gianni Molinaro - French 70 ~ 7 / 10 With Life is Strange Before the Storm - Episode 3 : Hell is Empty, Deck Nine brings a satisfying conclusion to this prequel. Even if we could have expected some more significant consequences to the choices we wake, it's still a touching story for two really adorable characters in a lovely world. A good way to wait for what's next. PS4
Saudi Gamer - سندس الخباز - Arabic 70 ~ 7 / 10 Before the Storm have a great story that is filled with twists along with unexpected and exciting events even though I played life is strange and I know what's going to happen in the near future, before the storm delivered the surprising element very well. Episode three Hell is Empty however, leaves you with a wide open ending and more unanswered questions. Also, cut sense and dialogues don't really change that much with Chole decisions and in general is I wished Deck Nine used Backtalk in important conversations and with main characters rather than a pudding fight. PS4
Cubed3 - Ofisil 60 ~ 6 / 10 Not much happens in the final episode of Life is Strange: Before the Storm, and, at first, it doesn't seem to matter as, instead of any new stuff, it's the "feels" that are in the spotlight this time around. The only true problem seems to be the sleep-inducingly slow pacing of it all, something that sort of ruins the end of this prequel. PC
The Games Machine - Marco Tassani - Italian 59 ~ 5.9 / 10 Before the Storm shouldn't have been done. It doesn't add anything to the original work from DONTNOD, to the point where sometimes it seems just another game with the same characters, and a much less inspired soundtrack. PS4
Complete Season

Reviews

Website/Author Aggregates' & Critic's Score Quote Platform
IGN Italy - Alessandra Borgonovo - Italian 90 ~ 9 / 10 Life is Strange: Before the Storm is a beautiful, delicate novel about psychological and moral growth. PS4
Oyungezer Online - Utku Çakır - Turkish 90 ~ 9 / 10 It's a masterclass in storytelling and surpasses Life is Strange in every way. PC
PCGamesN - Ali Jones 80 ~ 8 / 10 Life is Strange: Before the Storm is a masterful prequel, then. Easter eggs and fan service exist peacefully alongside a fantastic new narrative filled with characters I wish I could spend even more time with. Its story fills all the gaps it needs to while never feeling as though it steps on the toes of what is yet to come, and still manages to carve out its own space. In some ways, Before the Storm is only the start of the Life is Strange journey, but in many others it is a joyous adventure in its own right. PC
Shacknews - Ozzie Mejia 80 ~ 8 / 10 Life is Strange: Before the Storm is a beautiful journey through Chloe Price's teenage years. It's a brilliant exploration of what happens when a directionless teenager meets a special person that changes the course of their life forever. It's a journey that explores the themes of loss, love, finding one's self, and whether the road to happiness ultimately lies in truth. PS4
PS Site - Sebastian Kasparek - Polish 70 ~ 7 / 10 It's a fine prequel, yet not without problems. A couple of scenes, many easter eggs and emotional ending make up for its flaws and this one particular moment will grab you by the heart for sure. PS4
RPG Site - Natalie Flores 70 ~ 7 / 10 Before the Storm's finale shares some of the issues the first season's finale had. However, just like the first season, it's more than the sum of its parts. PC
USgamer - Caty McCarthy 60 ~ 3 / 5 stars Despite an uneven final episode, the bond between Chloe and Rachel cements the surprising prequel, sometimes even soaring above the heights of the original game. It still has all the faults of Life Is Strange as a series, but its domestic focus helps it resonate even greater than its successor. If Rachel Amber is the Laura Palmer of Life Is Strange, then Before the Storm is her much-deserved Fire Walk With Me. PS4
VideoGamer - Alice Bell 60 ~ 6 / 10 Life is Strange: Before the Storm, despite a great second episode, ends feeling rushed and loses the focus on Chloe and Rachel's relationship. PS4
submitted by ninjyte to Games [link] [comments]


2017.12.13 12:57 ikesbaby *Rant* My first big purchase went horribly

I am very stingy with my NP. Aside from Neo Secret Santa, I NEVER spend any neopoints. A few days ago I decided to finally get the pet I want. A Lutari. I hunted around for a Faerie Lutari Morphing Potion, neomail my offer, get the go ahead, and I lay down 1 million big ones.
And then the Trading Post glitched, it told the other user the item was not available in my inventory. My bid disappears on my side and theirs. I use the "stuck items" feature and get my bid item back. But the NeoPoints are gone. /sigh, this figures. I've submitted a ticket, but we all know how that goes. Now I play the waiting game. I am just real irritated so I had to share. /rant.
Update A kind redditor gave me the MP and now my pet is pretty as can be! Thank you every so much.
As for my ticket, there is nothing I love more than a generic copy/paste response. I understand they're busy, but customer service means a lot...
Hi mrs_ike!
A solution for your issue has been suggested.
Thanks for writing. I am sorry to hear that you have been having trouble with part of the Neopets website.
We have read your ticket and have categorized it internally based on the specific issue that you reported. This means that we can always find your ticket (or others with the same issue) if we have more information to share. You don't need to submit a new ticket for this same issue. We can even reopen tickets that have been closed if we need to get a hold of you :)
Since your ticket has been all handy-dandy categorized we are able to distribute and prioritize the issue you have reported. Unfortunately we will not be able to give you an exact date of when this problem may be fixed (since any time frame is subject to change) but we are aware of it and appreciate your report!
Issues that impact the whole site will be fixed for everyone at the same time so you don't need to worry about being left out :)
Unfortunately if you lost Neopoints or Neopoint items as a result of this issue it is unlikely that we will be able to replace them :(
submitted by ikesbaby to neopets [link] [comments]


2016.10.24 01:06 MSPP "To keep Neopets clean there are a few things that are not allowed...Attempts to use Neopets as a virtual dating service"

Why can't we use Neopets as a dating service? I sure wish I could find someone who would understand the significance of avatars, and hoarding millions of Neopoints.
But on a more serious note, does anyone's significant other actually play and understand the game? I convinced all of my ex's to play in the past, but none of them really got into it themselves. I just think that would be a fun way to spend time, both playing together.
submitted by MSPP to neopets [link] [comments]


2016.07.12 10:37 pmthemouse Public reminder: Please change your neopets Password if you have not since 2012/2013.

  Now you may of all known the data breach that has been talked about countless times. This breach has included an alleged total of over 70 million as stated by motherboard's article on the matter, which can be seen -here-. This article was posted on May 5, 2016, but the data breach had happened long before that and no one knew about it! 2012 is when the data breach had occurred so this went years without TNT knowing a single thing. TNT has responded to the article and you can see their response -here-. They state that your credit card information is not at risk so do not worry about it. The things I've found that anyone can find is your username, password, email, birth date, and your ip address.
 

Are you at risk?

This depends as the data breach happened in 2012. If you changed your password sometime since then you should be fine. If you did not change it since 2012 you should stop reading this right now and go change your password. If your account was not made in 2012-2013 you should not have to worry about this data breach. The information in the data breach is the correct information. How do I know it's the correct information? I checked my side accounts all of which had all my correct information. I checked my main account it had all my correct information there as well but it was old information as I had changed my password and email.
 

Where is this website?

I do not want to give this website out as anyone could just put in a username or an email for example and get anyones information. I cannot stop you from googling and trying to find it though. If you do happen to find it, please DO NOT use it for getting into peoples accounts. There is a subscription to this website which makes you pay before seeing the results of your search (It tells you what sites they have data on) This is what it looks like if you pay for their service.
 

How do I keep my account secure?

  In order to keep your account secure you should make your password strong and to change it if you haven't already since 2012. A strong password looks like the following;
• wE42jS2Jm341ms$25s
• R3sk43Sn5s$maS  
A weak password would look something like the following;
• Lover5
• Playstation15
TNT suggests
"a combination of letters and numbers makes it a lot harder for people to guess"
You can change your account's password by hovering over "My account" then clicking "» Edit Profile" There you will have to enter your current password where it says "current password" and then enter your new password that you have picked out in "New Password" and type the exact one in "Confirm password" After you have done that all you have to do is scroll down a little and click on "change your details". Be sure to write down your password if you think you are going to forget it! Another really important step to do in order to keep your account save is to go to your "Site Preferences" page and enable "Login Birthday Prompt" When you have this enabled and someone from an unfamiliar location attempts to login to your account they will be required to enter your birthday along with your password. If for some reason you do not have a pin attached to your account I highly recommend you do so also.

tl;dr

Neopets had a data breach in 2012, account information from data breach contains around 70m usernames, passwords, birth dates, ect. Site is open to the public and anyone can view anyone's account info. Change your passwords if you haven't since 2012-2013
submitted by pmthemouse to neopets [link] [comments]


2015.12.29 17:32 Mrs_Patrick_Sharp I AM ANGRY & FRUSTRATED! [Giveaway/Rant]

I need a small rant here before I go into the giveaway. I have two things to rant about.
  1. I've been trying to trade for months an NC item that I really, really want for a custom. It's higher valued and I thought I finally found someone to trade with. We've been going back and forth for about a week discussing how many GBCs and how many of blah, blah, blah they wanted for the item. Finally we agree on something and then they message me telling me they traded with someone else in the ~8 hours I was asleep last night. Like seriously you dick-faced ass wipe. Eat shit. So if anyone has the Eventide Mountains Background and would like to actually trade with me, please let me know!
  2. My second rant is about GTZ (GameTimeZone). I've heard nothing but raving reviews about this place but honestly, I have to say the customer service is absolutely shit. Like they are on par with Neopets for me right now. I decided yesterday to buy some NC and tried to do it through WalMart but for some reason it wasn't working (whatever. It's WalMart). So I decided to give GTZ a try. Set up an account, place an order, get excited. Then I get an email saying they have to call to verify your order. Okay, no big deal. I email back a good time frame for when to call me since I'm at work. I put not one, not two, but three good time frames to call me! All had AM or PM, the time zone, and the mother fucking date! So when do they call? Twice. Both times way far away from any of the times I said worked. Like not even close. Not like five minutes after but hours after the suggested times I gave that they mother fucking asked for!!!! I sent a scathing email this morning to their support team. I'm so unhappy and frustrated and pissed off. I've already been ripped of by Neopets in regards to NC and this is really putting me off buying any at all which sucks because I love a bunch of the NC items.
Anyways, on to the giveaway. Post your UN (seriously post it. don't say it's in the flair). Link to your favourite "angry" Neopets item (use the JN database, please). Link to your favourite "funny" Neopets item (again JN database, please). I'll pick a few favourites from the posts and gift them to people along with one of my favourite items! :)

EDIT; WHOEVER SENT ME THE CHOCOLATE LENNY PLUSHIE - YOUR INBOX IS FULL BUT THANK YOU!!! <3 <3 <3

EDIT2; Sent a mean email saying 'Your customer service is shit'. Hit send, got a call. facepalm

submitted by Mrs_Patrick_Sharp to neopets [link] [comments]


2015.06.02 21:15 Llerasia Announced Site Maintenance: June 3-4

From their Facebook page:
SITE MAINTENANCE: Neopets.com will be experiencing sporadic periods of downtime for 48 hours, starting on Wednesday, June 3rd 2015 at 8AM NST. As we continue with general server maintenance, you may experience unpredictable service interruptions. We apologize for the inconvenience and invite all of you to stay connected with TNT during that time, here on Facebook or Twitter! budurl.me/NeoDown0603
EDIT:
Further clarification from the news:
SITE MAINTENANCE: Neopets.com will be experiencing sporadic periods of downtime during a 48 hour maintenance window, starting at 8AM NST on Wednesday, June 3rd 2015 with unpredictable service interruptions through the morning of June 5th.
Scheduled maintenance is being performed by our server provider, and is not exclusive to the Neopet's site. As things are, we are not able to postpone or reschedule the possibility of downtime in this 48 hour period of time. However, while we are offline, we invite all of our fans to stay up to date with the latest news from TNT by following us on Facebook or Twitter
submitted by Llerasia to neopets [link] [comments]


2014.10.11 02:57 bobbyprince Snarkie left Neopets

http://snarkie.tumblr.com/
Friends… I no longer work at Neopets.
whomp whomp
Instead of never bringing it up and just fading into the night (the preferred plan of introverts everywhere), it feels like I owe you a post. Mostly because I’ve gotten a number of messages here and on Twitter inquiring about certain bugs on Neopets.com and I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you folks and making TNT look bad. I’ve also gotten nice messages about stuff that I can’t take credit for. Thus, I thought I’d let y’all know so you can direct your love to the proper people. nod
Let me preemptively answer some questions!
'Twas my own choice. It was a very tough one but I ultimately decided that, after the transition, it was time to move on to the next chapter. I’m super proud to have been part of such an amazing team. I’ve learned so many things from those talented, smart, creative, nerdy, weird, fun, hard-working, sexy, hilarious people and wish them great success in the future!
No, you can’t have my pets. You curs!
Wait, I can’t have my pets either! (Stupidly, I made ‘snarkie’ my admin account when I started there and admin accounts are locked when someone leaves. I had way too many weird things in my SDB anyway. cough)
I’m still a Neopets fan, though, so I continue to play on my regular account.
I’m not posting the username, mostly because it’s one of those embarrassing ones that you think is cool at the time but no. No it wasn’t. (⌒_⌒
I’m gonna get a plaque made up with my dates — November 4th, 2002 - September 19th, 2014 — to put on the frame of this rad going away gift the gang gave me on my last day. (Have I said how awesome they are?) Glad to be of service, Doc.
(Actually, I stopped working on September 20th at 1:32 AM but who’s counting? ;_
Assuming the schedule hasn’t fluctuated (which happens a lot ), the team was working really hard on a couple things coming up and I’m excited to be on this side for a change.
WoD pre-patch is happening soon and I still don’t have my legendary cloak whoops. This is unrelated but it’s consuming my soul and I needed to share. Sorry.
My ask box is open if I left something out! Fair warning, though. I’m not going to give away any super interesting behind-the-scenes secrets or anything like that. My good friends are back at HQ, still hard at work for you, and I don’t want to step on their toes or hinder them in any way by spilling any beans.
Anyway, big, huge, gigantic thanks to everyone for an awesome almost-12-years. I may not have known all of your individual names because that’s quite impossible since I’m not actually a robot, but I still know you’re all the best fans ever. You guys taught me so many things while I was lucky enough to be a part of the team that tries to keep you entertained every day. Thanks for helping make Neopets what it is and for continuing to help shape it for the next 15 years to come! (Seriously, it’ll be the 15th birthday soon. That’s crazy!)
Man, can I babble. I’ll shut up now. I haven’t done my dailies yet today so I’m gonna go do that. Bye~~
submitted by bobbyprince to CheatingNeopets [link] [comments]


2014.03.10 12:54 amdewstow This Sub has Reached 1K+ Cards!

This Sub has Reached 1K+ White Cards!
And here they are :
"Long live the king"
"No" not meaning "No"

420YOLOSWAG

$100
$20
1 man, 1 jar
1.21 Gigawatts
100 horse size ducks.
1337 Sp3ak.
2 tooled up niggers with a blowtorch and some pliers
400 BABIES!!
7 bare chested black men and a Puma on a lead
70's bush.
70's porn bass lines.
9/11
A 2 inch tongue punch to the butt.
A 20 piece Chicken McNugget meal for one.
A 6 inch turkey on wheat with lettuce tomato pickles mayonnaise mustard and just a couple of banana peppers
A banana for scale
A barbwire fleshlight.
A baseball bat dildo.
A big bowl of spiderwebs
A Big, Scaly Dragon Dick.
A bollock caught in an electric whisk
A booby-trapped Cookie Bouquet
A box full of terrible foreign candy.
A broken rubber band, a ball of lint, and a faded receipt.
A bucket full of horse semen, poured into your gaping mouth and all over your naked body.
A bucketful of bull semen
A bunch of ducks in a zip-up costume.
A bunch of fucking naggers
A cactus
A carpet that matches the drapes
A CATastrophe
A center for ants.
A Chode
A cocktus
A cold harrowing scream echoing around a dark prison
A con within a con within a con. It's conception.
A conjugal trailer at the children's hospital.
A crotchless burqa.
A Cub Scout camp out at Neverland Ranch
A cyborg Kodiak bear with a flamethrower and a jet pack. It can also breathe underwater and only be defeated by love.
A day care Fight Club.
A dead baby in a clown costume.
A dentist whose fingers smell like they've been scratching their ass for the past twenty minutes.
A dick so big and black no light can escape from it
A dick that won't fit and an ass that won't quit.
A dishonorable discharge.
A dog making YOU lick peanut butter off ITS balls
A Double-Double enema
A dramatic reading of an Internet comments fight
A dream where you find your self standing in sun-god robes on top of a pyramid with a thousand naked girls screaming and throwing little pickles at you.
A dream within a dream within a wet dream
a drunk prom date
A face-switching surgery.
A fart escaping forward between your thigh and balls.
A fart that is reborn as a queef
A Fleshlight filled with thumbtacks.
A Fleshlight full of thumbtacks.
A funky ball of tits from outer space
A geriatric penis erect in defiance of God's will.
A giant, frothy mug of Santorum
A gigantic box of freshly-made poutine.
A GILF
A godlike sexual appetite.
A government funded racially driven euthanasia program
A Groupon for a hooker
A hammer thrown by the mighty Thor
A handjob from Edward Scissorhands.
A hands free orgasm
A high functioning sociopath who solves crimes.
A hilarious failed suicide attempt.
A Holocaust blooper reel
A hooker with an Adam's Apple the size of her balls.
A horse pissing into a guy's mouth.
A horsetail butt plug, a belt for a leash, and two grams of methamphetamine.
A Hot Bowl of Grits
A hovercraft full of eels.
A jar of Gypsy tears to protect you from AIDS
a jar of peanut butter, a hungry dog, and no one around to judge you.
A kaiju shaped like a penis
A latex bodysuit with a genital opening
A little baby learning to walk.
A Lukewarm Tauntaun.
A machete-wielding hitchhiker with a heart of gold
A male figure skater with bulge
A man-sized hamster wheel.
A mechanized condor with a Cockney accent, programed to follow people around that are having bad days and make fun of them
A midget with a dick that looks like a baby's arm holding an apple.
A milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard
A molester mustache.
A monkey at the zoo, presenting.
A monkey getting a blowjob from a frog.
A multimedia creampie gallery
A murder mystery party at Michael Barrymore's
A mutant child locked up in the basement.
A nativity where Mary and Joseph are white and Jesus is black.
A ninja with uncontrollable flatulence.
A one-word text from mom that just says 'soon'.
A pack of hungry dickwolves
A paper cut on the tip of your penis
A passive-aggressive fax from North Korea.
A pedophile who is honestly a really good guy, other than the pedophilia thing
A pedophile/gerontophile raping Benjamin Button.
A person who plays Cards Against Humanity like its Apples to Apples
A plastic kiddie pool, a bottle of Ipecac, one crack whore and a crisp $20 bill.
A pogo-stick knife fight.
A porn photographer airburshing out STDs.
A proctologist with poor depth perception.
A pungent queef burbling from a freshly douched twat
A puss filed vagina.
a puzzle too insanely hard to solve
A race car having sex with a porsche
A racist ghost.
A rare bird that is choking to death on an old Captain Planet toy.
A razor blade hidden in an inmate's asshole
A real life Hunger Games, with Canadians
A Reddit debate
a redwood forest of sweaty dicks.
A retarded dolphin
A romantic dinner for two with SCP-173.
A sad old man buying cat food for dinner because his wife used to do all the cooking.
A salami buttplug
A schizophrenic homeless man furiously masturbating in an alleyway in San Francisco
A second hand condom
A sex change change
A sex-deprived candlestick.
A shirtless Rick Ross
A shit load of naked Hobbits.
A shitty iMac
A shitty teenage demigod.
A shot glass full of orangutan semen.
A shot of menstrual blood
A sin so heinous, it pisses off Buddha, Jesus, Allah, your parents, and Santa Claus.
A six-speed dildo with reverse.
A six-speed vibrating dildo with reverse.
A slightly saltier surprise.
A sore asshole.
A split personality that runs amok while I'm asleep
A staring contest with Thom Yorke
A strange feeling inside.
A sudden and violent shart
A T-Rex trying to masturbate.
A tanuki's giant nutsack.
A TARDIS-Sized Vagina.
A tea-bagging gone horribly wrong
A thalidomide baby
A thick ass for slaughter.
A three wolf moon T-Shirt.
A three-way with your best friend and a stranger.
A threesome with Mr. Right hand, and Senior Left hand.
A tickle fight between Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones
A tongue 2-inches deep in my butthole.
A toothy blowjob
A toothy vagina.
A transsexual with a fully functional 10-inch cock.
A tricked-out Ford Pinto
A trident fight
A trunk full of dead hookers
A tuba packed with manure
A Twister tournament at the leper colony.
A used condom.
A vampire fleshlight.
A vampire with gingivitis.
A very particular set of skills.
A wet fart on a dry day.
A wheelbarrow full of dead babies
A wheelbarrow full of slightly used dildos.
A white kid saying the N-Word
A whiter, tighter, vagina
A woman so cold she spreads her legs and the light comes on.
Abortion omelette.
About 17 Mexicans.
Accidental Cream pie
Accidentally committing a hate crime
Accidentally impregnating your grandma.
Achilles, played by Brad Pitt.
Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf
Actually clicking the 'I am under 18' button.
Actually cumming inside of Rainbow Dash
Actually fucking your mother.
Actually reading the Terms & Conditions.
Adam West as 'Uncle Batman'.
Adolph Hitler's signature mustache ride.
Advanced Leukemia
Aggressive ass play.
Alfred dressing up as the Joker to cheer up Bruce Wayne.
All of my custom cards - list
All the Neopets you left forever starving but never dying.
Amanda Todd
Ambrosia, now stuffed with raisins.
An active shooter at a movie theater
An actual elephant in the room.
An alligator death roll
An amateur colonoscopy.
An ass that hurts because you wiped too much.
An autocannabalistic midget zombie.
An awkward boner
An enormous black man dragging his balls across your face
An entire legion of my best troops.
An irrational fear of creams.
An islamist extremist cleverly dressed as a small dog.
An itchy butt-hole that can't be satisfied.
An old Cuban superhero battling a robotic death cock with his mind lightning
An Oni in a shitty anime.
An orchard of dildo trees.
An over the pants HJ
An STD scare.
An Uncomfortable Amount of Monkeys
An unlikely alliance with vampires
Anal Fissures
Anal Prolapse
Ancient Aliens.
Angry Spooning.
Angry, drunken Canadians.
Anthony Weiner.
Areola Borealis : The Glorious Sky Nipple
Ares and Thor in a dick measuring contest.
Ariel's crabs
Ariel's slightly fishy smell
ASCII PR0N
Asking the Don a favor on this, the day of his daughter's wedding.
Asparagus Pee
Assuming all handicapped people are retarded.
Autistic kids
Aztec gods in a spelling contest.
Banging a pregnant chick so hard and deep that you put it in the baby.
Banging your grandma's roommates at the nursing home.
Bat-nipples.
Bat-shark replelant.
Batman bitch-slapping Robin.
Beast's sexual frustration
Beating little kids at Pokemon until they cry.
Becoming the mayor of a nursing home on Foursquare.
Beer shits.
Begrudgingly taking a shit at a bar.
Being a virgin and giving birth on Christmas.
Being a whiny little bitch.
Being aroused by a shampoo commercial
Being awaken by a kiss from a prince
Being drunk while performing a bris ceremony.
Being fingered by Freddy Kreuger.
Being sarcastic to the point where it's just pathetic and self-destructive.
Being sexually aroused by the sight of TSA's gloves.
Being so bad that Santa just shits in your stocking.
Being tasered
Being the mother fucking Metatron.
Being the very best, like no one ever was.
Being the world's foremost authority on bestiality
Being tickled until you pee.
Being trapped in Medusa's art show.
Being uncomfortable realizing you're outnumbered by members of another race.
Being visited by three men and giving gold, myrrh, and frankincense.
Ben Affleck.
Big Bird's basketball-sized cloaca.
Big Thunder Mountain
Bilbies.
Binders full of women
Black Jesus (from the future)
Black pleather suits.
Blood diamonds
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.
Blowing bubbles.
Blowing cum-bubbles at a funeral
Blowing your father to save his life.
Blue balls.
Blue Waffles
Boner tucks
Boob stares.
Boobies
Brawndo, the thirst mutilator.
Breaking into a blind persons house to rearrange their furniture.
Breasts. You know, jugs, honkers, twins, headlights, boobies, knockers, melons, tits, pillows, hooters, cans, funbags, coconuts, mammaries, boulders, tatas, sweater kittens.
Breath so awful, your ass gets jealous.
Bringing 25 items to the "12 Items Or Less" checkout
Broccoli farts
Bruce Campbell
Bruce Jenner.
Bukkake crossfire
Burning the Local Policeman in a big Wicker man.
Butt Chugging
Butt play
Butt-Pirates of the Caribbean
Buttseks
Buying a financially irresponsible amount of Reese 's Peanut Butter Cups.
Buying a used dildo at Goodwill.
Buying eight copies of a two-record set like a crafty consumer
By the power of greyskull!
Cable ties and chloroform
Cake farts
Campbells Chunky Kitten Soup
Cannot answer. Too drunk.
Captain Picard giving a rim job to a tribble
Carlos Mencia.
Casting magic missile at a bully.
Casually racist grandparents.
Cat memes.
Cat watching you masturbate.
Cats on the internet.
Celebrating genocide by eating turkey with friend and family.
Celebrating the anniversary of 9/11
Cerebral Palsy: The Musical
Chanting "Dick Nipples" in a crowded elevator.
Chicken flied lice
Child Services
Chinese tourists
Chocolate face
chocolate rain
Chris angel mindfreak
Chris Brown's right jab
Christian Bale.
Christmas War on Halloween, Veterans Day, and Thanksgiving.
Christmas.
Christopher Columbus.
Christopher Lee
Chucking Fruit cakes at the relative you absolutely cannot stand to see even once a year.
Chucky cheeses
Chugging a solo cup full of vodka
Cinderella's foot fetish
Cinderellas over used vagina
Circle jerk
Classy Pornography
Cleaning the bird shit out of the Enchanted Tiki Room
Clogged panties.
Closer scrutiny.
Clubbing baby seals
Comic book heroines traced from still-frames of porno.
Coming down to where you work and slapping the dick out of your mouth
Committing suicide to see what it feels like
Communism
Confused deaf people at Nelson Mandela's funeral.
Conservation of Momentum
Cookie nipples
Cool beans
Creating a theme park full of genetically-engineered dinosaurs as an elaborate plot to murder your stupid asshole lawyer.
Crusty bedding
Cthulhu (Praise be unto him).
Cunning stunts.
Daddy's whore of a girlfriend.
Dakota Fanning
Dancing like Stephen Fry.
Dany Heatley fuckin' all star
Dapper Butch Lesbians
Darwin, the Ikea monkey
Dat ass
Dead puppies.
Death by fisting
Debilitating ass cramps
Decapitated Christmas manger figures that are still lit up somehow.
Deeply inhaling the smell of someone else's shit.
Dementors
Derp
Detroit
Diabeetus.
Diarrhea
Diarrhea Forever
Diarrhea Pockets.
Dick-do
Dickbutt (with drawing)
Dickpics
Dildos, okay!?
Discovering that prostitute you hired is actually your mother.
Disgruntled Apple fan boys
Disney's Anti-Semitic agenda.
Dive bar bathroom sex.
DMX.
Doctor Faggot
Doctor Tran!
Dogs playing poker
Dogs that have bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you. (This one gets lots of lols)
Dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you
Doing a girl so hard, you bruise her uterus.
Doing a one handed handstand and jerking off on your own face.
Doling out the harshness.
Dolla dolla bills, y'all
Donating a used dildo to Goodwill.
Donkey Punches
Doo Doo Casserole with a side of Butt Salad
Dopamine.
Douching with boiling water
Down syndrome
Dradle made of clay.
Drinking bleach
Drinking wine out of a soda can at a kid's birthday party.
Dropping a deuce at someone else's house
Dropping used anal beads into a box of prayer beads
Drunkenly mistaking the baby's playpen for a toilet.
DSLs
Duking it out in the Thunderdome.
Dustin Penner choking on a pancake
Dwayne Johnson's cookbook.
Dying alone
Dying Hard.
Dying Hard... With a Vengeance.
Dying Harder.
Dying Hardest.
Dying in a freak gasoline fight accident.
Dyslexic children
Eatin' that ass like it was chicken chow mein.
eating an entire box of Oreos and crying yourself to sleep.
Eating an entire stick of butter.
Eating placenta as an aphrodisiac.
Eating so much that you literally explode.
Eating totinos pizza rolls directly off the pan.
Edward Snowden
Effeminate police officers riding face to face on a horse
Egg
Ejaculating colorful spring-loaded paper snakes.
Ejaculating on the cat by accident
Ending all of your doctor's sentences with, "That's what she said".
Ending up with daughters when you started with sons
Epically timing your cumshot to the drum bit in Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight".
Eugenics, for fun and profit
Excessive masturbation that leads to "chapped dick"
Explaining David Carridine's final moments to a kindergarten class.
Extreme Clitoral Collisions
Faces of Death
Faggot sex
Family Guy cutaways.
Fantasizing about Disney Princes
Fantasizing about Disney Princesses
Fapping on the family computer.
Fapping while wearing a horse head mask.
Farting during a rimjob.
Farting in the Baptism Pool
Farting loudly in a quiet movie theater
Farting loudly in church
Fatty Patty, the plus sized love doll.
Fear boners.
Feeding a bucket of puppies into a wood chipper.
Feeling an unexpected Bulge.
Feeling so depressed that you put Tetris on and just watch the pieces stack up.
Festivus.
Fight Club
Filipino Tilt-a-Whirl operators.
Finding a baby in a dumpster
Finding a secret room in your house
Finding Nickelback's greatest hits CD in the 99 cent Bargain bin.
Finding out she has a penis.
Finding out someone's favorite animal then hunting it to extinction.
Finding out you're gay mid-blowjob.
Finding out you're not gay mid blowjob.
Finding what Darth Vader has been using Luke's extra hand for
Finger-painting with the period blood of your mom.
First Base.
Fisting a jar of mayonnaise.
Five for Fighting
Fluttershy's worryingly vast collection of preserved Animal Penises.
Following through on a fart while performing a hand stand.
Forced to love a cruel man forever or brave the Sarlacc pit
Forgetting the safe word
Franklin, the racist hand puppet
Fred Durst.
Freddy Mercury's magical, wish-granting mustache.
French kissing your brother
FUCK YOU!!!
Fucking autocorrect!
Fucking someone so hard their freckles fall off.
Fucking the "no" out of someone.
Fucking Ventra
Full-on fisting.
Furtive masturbation
Gabe Newell diving into a room full of gold coins
Gay for pay.
George Clooney.
George Zimmerman knocking up Casey Anthony.
George Zimmerman.
Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yoyo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck!
Getting a blowjob in the dark... Then finding out it was from a guy.
Getting a prostate exam from a leper who walks away with four fingers.
Getting acquitted of murder because you're white.
Getting caught looking at Transformers mpreg slash.
Getting down to business (to defeat the Huns).
Getting drunk via an enema bag
Getting dumped by a dump truck driver.
Getting hepped up on goofballs
Getting jiggy with it
Getting pawed inappropriately by Tigger
Getting so drunk you have sex with your best friend... and it was absolutely terrible!
Ghost ridin' tha whip
Gifts.
Girl on girl on girl on girl on girl on guy on sheep.
Girl on girl on girl on guy in girl on girl action
Girls with low self esteem.
Giving a sponge bath to an old man
Giving birth in a salvation army bathroom
Giving birth to an Ewok
Going camping alone, and waking up to an ass full of lube.
Going to a magic show and getting upset.
Gonaherpasyphilitis.
Gonorrhea that was totally worth it
Good old-fashioned 1950's misogyny
Gripping your boner and wildly waving it around while making light-saber noises.
Grundlebutter
Guy Fieri's ample pubic mound
Hades.
hairy nipples
Hakuna Matata!
HAL-PC
Half.
Ham sandwich chairman.
Hanukkah's seven days versus Christmas's two.
Harold Ramis busting ghosts AS a ghost.
Haters hatin'
Having a hooker blow you until cum shoots out of her nose.
Having a recurring dream of Jesus and I playing Earthworm Jim for the Sega Genesis.
Having a shamrock shake in September
Having an evil stepmother
Having an orgy with your parents
Having gum on your shoe
Having really hot, wet sex on your period.
Having to use the restroom at the sketchy WalMart.
Having your intestines sucked out by a pool drain.
Having your junk inhaled by Kirby for the strangest blowjob ever.
HEAD ON! Apply directly to the forehead. HEAD ON! Apply directly to the forehead.
Helen Keller's Driving School.
Hellen Keller's Dog
Hermaphrodite.
Hickory-smoked horse buttholes.
Hilary Clinton's Crusty Vagina.
Hilter's House of Barbeque
Hitching a ride on the Bangbus
Hitler memorabilia.
Hitler's Gas Bill
Hitting a motherfucker with another motherfucker.
Hitting speed bumps at full speed while getting road head.
Ho hos and ding dong
Hoarding
Hodor.
Holding hands with a boy for the very first time
Holographic charizard pokemon card
Homeopathic birth control
Honey boo boo
Hoodrats
Horny Shapeshifter Zeus.
Hot, American dickings!
Humping the couch cushions
I don't know how I got sick, but I suspect it had something to do with ______.
I'm positive, HIV positive
Ian McKellan
Immediate regret
Instead of getting a Christmas bonus this year, the boss if enrolling everyone in a jelly of the month club. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
Intensely perverted secret Santa gifts.
Invading Poland....again.
Irregular Boner
It's a Small World
IT'S A TRAP! (With a drawing of Ackbar)
Izanagi's god-producing strip show.
Ja Rule.
Jacking off so much that your dick gets chapped.
Jacking off to your crush's Instagram page
Jackson Galaxy, Cat Behaviorist
Jafar in Genie form
Jailbait.
Jane Goodall motorboating a gorilla's floppy milk jugs.
Jean Chrétien's good side
Jeff Dunham fucking his puppets.
Jerking off with Lava® soap
Jesus doing a guitar solo.
Jesus letting a kid die, because the photo only got 998 likes
Jimmy Saville unyielding signing crippled girl's breasts
Joan Rivers.
John Goodman, smashing a Corvette with a crowbar while screaming "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!"
Jorts
Jumping balls-first down a flight of stairs to brutally teabag someone.
Jumping off of the Golden Gate bridge.
Justin Bieber's baby wiener
Ke$ha.
KFC double down
Kick!
Kicking Kittens.
Kicking puppies.
Killing your parents to get your inheritance
Killing your parents to get your inhertence
King Joffrey.
Kinky Retard Tetherball.
Kittens riding a roomba
Klondike bar
Knucklebabies
Korn.
Kratos, the God of War.
Kryptonite Ring.
Kum and Go
Kwanza.
Labia Menorah.
Ladies' underwear purchased from a vending machine.
Left handedness
Leo's Oscar cabinet
Let's split up, gang, Fred said.
letting the dog lick it clean
Licking her piss-flaps.
Licking Jasmine's "magic carpet."
Like a virgin, Touched for the very first time.
Liking big butts, and being unable to lie about it
Live. Laugh. Lick a Labia.
Living Free or Dying Hard.
Living under power lines
Locking eyes with a masturbating hobo.
Loki being Loki.
Long balls
Longinus.
Loosing the condom deep inside a vagina.
Losing a tickle fight to Alex Trebek
Losing ten thousand dollars betting on the Puppy Bowl.
Lou Gehrig's Disease
Luring an unsuspecting toddler into my bouncy castle of seduction.
Lying to children
Lying to terminally ill children about their life expectancy.
Macho Man Randy Savage
Making a merkin out of public toilet pubic hairs.
Making children cry for fun and profit.
Making sweet love to a really sexy sheep.
Making sweet, sweet love to an ambulance
Mall cops on segways.
Man-on-dog enthusiast Rick Santorum.
Manti Te'o's Girlfriend.
Mary Poppins
Masked strangers who knock on your door in the middle of the night.
Masturbating before your nurse comes back.
Masturbating to "Memoirs of a Geisha"
Meat Sweats
Mel Gibson.
Men's Beach Volleyball
Method Man sewing your asshole closed and feeding you, and feeding you, and feeding you.
Michael J. Fox's Hand-Spun Milkshakes.
Michael Jackson's jock strap
Michael Keaton.
Microwave cooking for one
microwaved babies
Midget porn and the Benny Hill theme, A lap dance from a crying stripper
midgets in a fuck and suck circle
Miley Cyrus's tongue.
Moderate to severe chronic plaque psoriasis
Moistness
Mordor.
More cowbell.
Morgan Freeman.
MOTHERFUCKING CTHULHU
Mouth fucking Alzheimer's patients
Mr. Rogers after he finally snaps.
Mr. Rogers soothingly narrating his actions as he methodically slaughters a village full of children.
Mrs Clause having an affair wile Santa is out working on Christmas Eve.
Muhammad Ali in a Jenga tournament.
Murphy's Law
My beef swellington.
My dick in a box.
My fairy godmother
my former druggie friends
My grandmother's musty leather kayak
My hot, teenage daughter
My vintage collection of Kirk/Spock slashfic.
nasal penetration
Never brushing your teeth.
Neverland ranch
NiggAs (not niggERs)
Nikola Tesla's insane ball-lightning death ray.
Nonstop suction
Norman Reedus
North Korea's Special Ninja Army
Not fitting in.
Not getting enough Likes for my boring selfie!
Not having to pay Casey Anthony child support
Not knowing how to properly interact with a news reporter because you're black.
Numberwang!
Obese Jessica Simpson
Odin
Oh, my God. He shit everywhere. There's shit everywhere! Damnit! There's shit on the windows! Oh, my God! My house is full of shit! He shit everywhere! Look what he did! He shit all over the walls! There's shit everywhere
Ol' Dirty Bastard aka Ol' Dirt Dawg aka Dirt McGirt aka Big Baby Jesus.
Old Gregg
One more Jack and coke
One of those "t" pendants
Oompa Loompas shitting into the chocolate river.
Oops, Poop Soup
Orange Mocha Frappuccinos!
Orgy of seven dwarves
Packs of scissors that you need scissors to open.
Painful and awkward gay sex with two straight males
Painful nipple erections.
Palpable unhappiness
Parking in a handicapped spot, and not being handicapped
Partying so hard you pass out behind a dumpster, covered in vomit, and a homeless person uses your face for a urinal.
Partying so hard you throw up a condom.
Passive eugenics.
Patrick Kane tittyfucking a 4/10
Patrick Stewart
Paul Walker's drive thru BBQ.
Paula Deen frantically throwing butter in a bowl
Paula Deen's butter flavored vagina
Paying the Iron Price for a Klondike Bar
Penile shrinkage.
Penis
People "allergic" to gluten
Performing a "4th trimester abortion" and blaming SIDS.
Picking up women at the abortion clinic.
Pineapple juice.
Piss Shivers.
Playing "hot or not" at a preschool
Playing "never-have-I-ever" against Charlie Sheen.
Playing twister with an amputee.
Playing twster with amputees.
Playing your tin whistle whilst marching all of the children out of Africa and into Bangladeshi sweatshops
Plowing his virgin butthole with a strap-on
Pocahontas.
Poop
Pooping so hard your tampon falls out.
Pooping with the door open.
Popping a molly
Porkie Pig singing the back up vocals to C&C Music Factory's Everybody Dance Now
Poseidon.
Post bukkake sneeze.
Pow!
Pow! Kick! Punch!
President Sarah Palin
Prime Minister Tony Abbott's two hot daughters
Prince Harry's "Prince Hairy"
Prince-on-prince action.
Princess Diana's rotting corpse
Procrastination
Profiting from the suffering of untold millions.
Prom Night Dumpster Baby
Prostate orgasms.
Pubic shavings.
pumping breast milk the day after a bender so that your baby doesn't get wasted
Punch!
Punching a tree to gather wood.
Putting all the bibles in the Fiction section at the bookstore.
Putting hot sauce on your penis.
Putting up a flamboyantly decorated fir tree when you are Jewish.
Putting up a menorah when you are Christian.
Putting your hand out for a handshake, then pulling it back and slyly moving it through your own hair.
Queen Elizabeth's haunted lizard snatch
Queer bait
Quiabelagayo, Mayan God of S&M.
Rachael Ray's weird boobs.
Racist Michael Richards
Rahm Emmanuel's missing finger.
Rainbow Parties.
Raining top shelf pussy from the sky. only to find out in this dream you have no dick.
Ramadan.
Rapist, Necrophiliac Ducks
Realizing too late that there is no toilet paper left
Reindeer semen.
Responding to a fight by striping down naked.
Returning some videotapes
Richard Simmons in a pink, sparkly tank top
Riding a Sybian with uncontrollable diarrhea
Riding a tandem bicycle alone
Ripping a cheek-flappingly loud fart at a funeral during the moment of silence.
Rob Ford
Roberto Luongo shitting his pants
Rodents of unusual size.
Ron Jeremy's massive equine dong.
Rudolph's glowing red snot.
Running over children for sport
Russian dashboard cameras.
Santa Clause cumming in all the bad girl's chimneys.
Santa's accidental erection.
Sarcasm so intense that it circles back to sincerity.
Sasha Grey and her trinity of penis-ravaged orifices
Sassy replies from Siri
Saying "hashtag" in everyday conversation.
Scrapers
Second Base.
Secretly hoping your parents will die soon so you can collect your inheritance
Seeing your life flash before your eyes, and realizing it was kind of shit.
Seeing your naked reflection on the computer screen while the video loads.
Semen
Sending your significant other a message by shitting on the floor in front of the toilet instead of in the toilet.
Separate but equal.
Setting fire to a children's hospital
Sex on the floor of a children's hospital bathroom.
Sexually abusing the mentally handicapped
Sexually Aggressive Pit Bulls
Sexually confused gods and goddesses.
Sexually molesting a precious childhood toy
Sharks with freakin “lasers” on their head.
Shennanigans
Shitting and eating at the same time
Shitting cum into an evidence bag
Shitting on any moment of decency.
Shitting out an unopened beer bottle
Shoddy habit for humanities houses.
Shooting RoboCop in the mouth
Shouting into your penis like it's a microphone
Shower Farts
Shrek.
Single digit checking account balances.
Six gummy bears and some scotch.
Six pack baby Jesus from those reinaissance paintings
Skittles and Arizona iced tea
Sleeping for a century
Sleeping in random places on campus because it is easier than going home.
Slow dance boners.
Slow dance erections
Slow motion penile helicoptering.
Slutting your way to the top
Small talk with your hairdresser.
Smell of a freshly opened pack of new cards.
Smelling a used dildo from Goodwill.
smiling pile of poo
Smothered by a lovers cankle
Sneezing then finding out you have explosive diarrhea
Sniffing used panties
Snoop Dizzle, my nizzle
Snuggie
Snugglefucking
So much anal that a fart sounds just like tuba.
Some fun south of the mouth
Some kind of sexy Yggdrasil.
Some kind of sexy Yggdrassil.
Some Stupid Thing Making The Rounds Among Your Facebook Friends Today
Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he's got...lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces.
Spanking the monkey all day
Speaking progressively louder to foreigners.
Spending time with Grandpa and Grandma.
Spinning Teacups
Splash back from a sizable turd.
Spunk bubbles
Squirting
Stacy's mom, who has it going on
STAND DOWN, MEGATRON!, Optimus Prime shouted.
Staying home every night, downloading increasingly shameful pornography.
Stealing from the church collection thing
Stepping on a lego
Steve Irwin dying the way he lived his life - with animals in his heart.
Steve Jobs' Ghost
Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Straight up dog shit right in your god damned face.
Sucking a Dick at a truck stop
Sucking dick for Buffalo nickels
Sudan
Suge Knight.
Suing your parents on Judge Judy.
Summoning Sickness.
Super Adventure Club
Superman's other weakness: horseback riding.
Surprise butsecks.
Surreptitiously bringing a woman to climax with a bread stick at the classiest restaurant in town.
Surviving The Boston Marathon
Swallowing a live grenade for a £5 bet
Sweet black pussy
Sweet nun-chuck skills
Sweet, virgin pussy.
Synchronized squirt
Taco Bell
Taking a dump in the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese.
Taking a job as a high school janitor to find a new girlfriend.
Taking a shit when someone's in the shower.
Taking an arrow to the knee
Taking yoga lessons just to see some ass.
Tarzan's flaccid penis.
Tasha Yar's Rape Gang
Tasteful nudes of Mary Poppins
Taylor Swift's Love Life
Team Iceland (from 'D2: The Mighty Ducks')
Tears as lubricant
Ted Bundy
Ted Cruz.
Telling kids that the Toostie Rolls are actually processed reindeer crap.
Texting and driving
Texting while driving
That baby monkey clinging to its surrogate stuffed animal mom
That episode of Full House where Uncle Jesse and Joey took turns plowing Kimmy Gibbler.
That feeling when it's A Good Day to Die Hard.
That feeling when it's not A Good Day to Die Hard.
That feeling you get when you have to take a dump
That person who talks on the phone in the bathroom.
That place where I put that thing that time.
That secret you keep from your spouse
The $19.99 Do-It-Yourself White Trash Wedding
The 'World hide and seek champion' trophy with Madeleine McCann's name on slowly gathering dust in a Portuguese police station
The 1984 Denver Broncos
The 4th annual 'kids with polio' roller derby
The 5-hole.
The arms of the t-rex
The asshole sitting on my right
The Band Syndrome of A Downs
The battered women's shelter
The bed intruder.
The bits of Diana they were able to pull from the bent up tuna can of a wreckage
The BP oil spill
The Brave Little Toaster
The budding breasts of an 11 year old girl
The Bunny Ranch
The Burning Bush - A Heal by Prayer STD Clinic
The Canadians are coming, the Canadians are coming!!!!!
The constant sticky glisten of Ron Jeremy.
The critically acclaimed disaster porn, 69/11
The Cult of Crossfit
The current edition of Muhammad Ali
The depression that ensues after catching 'em all.
The Derek Zoolander School for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to Do Other Stuff Good Too.
The dry season.
The Ellen Degeneres School of Muff Diving.
The episode of "Saved by the Bell" where Jesse gets hooked on caffeine pills
The episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Arnold gets sexually assaulted by the bike clerk
The ever-popular scroterboat.
The excitement of eating at a fast food chain restaurant not found in your hometown.
The first 10 minutes of "Bruno"
The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The Foot Clan.
The Furies.
The G.I. Joe VA Hospital Waiting Room play set.
The Great Old Ones.
The gunt; the fuck gut; the fat upper pussy area (FUPA).
The Hanson Brothers.
The honey bee from old country buffet
The introduction of a habañero chili pepper into a bottle of lube.
The introduction of habanero chile pepper juice into a bottle of personal lubricant.
The joyous gift of fatherhood
The kids that Gary Glitter turned down
The last time I had an erection.
The little string-bridge that connects the glans to the shaft.
The love child of Adolph Hitler and Taylor Swift... Tadolph Switler.
The Lusty Argonian Maid
The magazine drawer at a male fertility clinic.
The Magical Negro
The mile run in gym class
The morning after pill
The most beautiful girl in the room.
The Nobel Peace Prize
The nobleman, God's highest creation.
The people of Walmart
The Picard Maneuver.
The Pillsbury Doughboy frantically pounding on the glass of an oven door.
The Pint of No Return
The poison for Kuzco. The poison specifically chosen for Kuzco. Kuzco's poison.
The Poon-Tang Clan
The public drilling of wetlands.
The puss from a dick pimple.
The racist crows from Dumbo
The remotely-accessible federal database of every kiddie porn image ever made.
The sense of holiday spirit you feel while buried to the hilt in the cold, uncooked guts of your Thanksgiving turkey.
The shattered remains of all my hopes and dreams.
The smallest, whitest dick.
The soft, warm, silky interior of an unwilling sheep
The sound Gilbert Gottfried makes when someone extinguishes a cigar on his neck.
The Speech from Independence Day.
The Srebrenica massacre.
The stigmata.
The sweet, sweet taste of taint
The testicles of beavers.
The theme from schindlers list
The Walk of Shame.
The war on Festivus.
The whole motherfucking pantheon!
Thick, ropy strands.
Thinking of the children
Thom Yorke's left eye.
Thomas Jefferson's sexy slave mistress
Those happening kids in their new wave kicks
Those meddling kids.
Those sweaters with 3 cats on the front and the back has the cats from behind with their assholes on them.
Three Asian strippers, two porn stars, and a suitcase full of blow.
Three lines of coke, two Asian strippers, and one hell of a story
Throwing buckets of fish guts over an expectant crowd
Throwing up after blackout drinking and finding flecks of sumo wrestler smegma in your vomit.
Tickling someone until they pee.
Tim Minchin making out with Russell Brand
Tim Tebow.
TIM-MAAAAAAAY!!!
Titty-fucking contests.
Toe nail clippings
Tom Cruise's alleged homosexuality
Tom Cruise' Manny Fanny
Tommy Lee's manmeat
Torturing a Sim modeled after your ex.
Toys.
Traveling back in time to become your own grandfather
Trayvon Martin.
Tricking kids into getting in your van.
Trolling Craigslist for to get laid.
Trombone noise.
Trying not to accidentally shit on Santa's lap.
Trying to solve your problems with a drone missile strike.
Trying to urinate with an erection.
tubgirl
Tuna
Twat breath
Twatwaffle
Twincest
Two for Hooking.
Two for Slashing
Two people banging behind a dumpster at 6am on a Sunday in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.
Two retards playing tetherball
Type-II Adult-Onset Diabetes
Ugly stepsisters
ULTRA-LESBIAN-DEATH-MACHINE
Uncle Remus
Uncle Touchy's naked puzzle basement.
Uncomfortable thigh contact with an old man on the bus.
Uncomfortably sitting next to a handicapped person
Uncrustables. or PB&J with the Crust Cut Off.
Unloading a truckload of babies with a pitchfork.
Unnecessary hashtags
Unnecessary Surgery Land.
Unrealistic romantic expectations.
Unsightly muffintops
Upper Decker Double Blumpkin
Urethal splinter torture
Using "anal" as an adjective.
Using "hashtag" in everyday conversation.
Using 4Chan for parenting advice.
Using a banana for scale
Using only 20% of my power
Using ranch dressing as anal lube.
Using wasabi for lube.
Using your penis as a helicopter
Vagina dentata!
vaginal discharge
Vaginal Hubris
Vaginal snail trail
Vajazzling so often that you queef glitter.
Val Kilmer.
Victims of Newtown.
Victorian-era sexuality
Violence.
Violent Christmas movies.
Virgin Goddesses.
Vishnu using all her hands to masturbate
Voiding your bowels after dying, only to get resuscitated immediately afterwards.
Voldemort's shriveled trouser snake.
Vomiting in a crowded elevator.
Waiting till marriage, then finding out your so is a trap.
Waking up in your tent with an ass covered in lube... and you went camping alone
Wanking to old family photos
Washing you asshole so clean you fart bubbles.
Washing your asshole so thoroughly you fart bubbles for days
Watermelon and fried chicken
Wayne Enterprise buying out The Daily Planet.
Wearing the genitals of a defeated enemy around your neck as a trophy.
Weather so cold, you can key a car with your icy cold nipples.
What Hitler would have wanted.
What I paid your mom to do last night
What she said
What the fuck do you think, Captain Skinny Dick?
Whatever fits in my butt
Whatever hot dogs are made of
Wheelchair Jimmy
When a chopstick and a urethra make sweet, sweet love.
When it sounds like a boot stuck in mud.
Whipping your hair back and forth
Whipping your penis around while making lightsaber noises.
Who's down with OPP?
Whoa, Big Gulps huh? Alright! Well, see ya later!
Whoopi Goldberg, naked
Why not Zoidberg?!
Wilford Brimley's moustache
Winnie The Pooh sensually rubbing Christopher Robin's erect penis with hunny
Winning a drag race against Paul Walker.
Wondering if Australia has a white Christmas.
Wondering why people celebrate Christmas when Jesus was Jewish.
Working as a porno theatre janitor
World Geriatric Stripping Championship.
Wu Tang Clam
XML.
Yippee ki-yay, Mother Russia.
Yippee ki-yay, Motherfucker.
Yoga pants
You People
Young faces with braces
Your Dad's secret boyfriend
Your face.
Your husband
Your mom LAST NIGHT
Your older sister revealing she has Ice powers after you reveal you are marrying a man she only met today.
Your spouse dazed, confused, and farting uncontrollably while passed out on the bathroom floor
Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Galaxy
Zero Fucks Given!
Zeus.
Zip Zop Bippity Bop: Bill Cosby Sex Tape
Zumba
[REDACTED]
[Trollface]
submitted by amdewstow to cahideas [link] [comments]


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